One ROACH to rule them all

The Return of Bible-Man!!!

2012-02-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

RLSH Phoenix Jones wants his BLEEP Back.

2011-12-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

And what strange voodoo is this? An official release video and they bleep out the word "pepper spray" several times? Jeez guys.... your his handlers just give him a bloody script to read next time!

Dashing gadabout Malvado had the following to say on the subject:

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Benjamin Fodor and Summer Dawn furthering propagating the Jones name.

As for the beeping? That's his handlers removing the phrase "pepper spray" from the video. Wouldn't want hopeful investors and advertisers to get the wrong impression.

People are suppose to think this idiot learned his lesson about violence? Seeing as this is false, I guess censoring his stupidity is the next best thing the folks over at good ole Camp Tangen can do.

This is the reason reality shows exist. Because people are apparently by-in-large dumb enough to believe this kind of crap and continue to support and hoist this kind of garbage onto the pedestal.

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Please note R.O.A.C.H. high command made an edit to the above issued statement and changed "shithead and his slut girlfriend" to "garbage". This is how good editing should be done.

RLSH Phoenix Jones Cheats Justice

2011-11-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

By CASEY MCNERTHNEY, SEATTLEPI.COM STAFF

Seattle’s self-proclaimed “superhero” Phoenix Jones won't face charges with misdemeanor assault for a pepper spray incident last month near the Alaskan Way Viaduct because of "proof problems," City Attorney Pete Holmes said Wednesay.

"However, Mr. Fodor is no hero," Holmes said in a statement, "just a deeply misguided individual.

"He has been warned that his actions put himself in danger, and this latest episode demonstrates that innocent bystanders can also be harmed."

Phoenix Jones, whose real name is Benjamin Fodor, was arrested Oct. 9 after interjecting himself into a group of people and pepper spraying several people. Fodor, 23, was jailed and released the same day on bond. When no charges were immediately filed, he said he would “continue to patrol.”

The City Attorney’s Office had the option to file charges, but announced charges would not be filed after the case was reviewed. Fodor previously told reporters he was trying to stop as assault.

Holmes staff spoke with two of the four alleged victims. But attempts to identify and interview two men who ran from the scene were unsuccessful. Based on the information available, Holmes said it's unlikely a jury would find beyond a reasonable doubt that Fodor committed a crime.

State law allows a person to use force when coming to the aid of someone that he or she reasonably believes is about to be injured.

But Holmes said in the future he will "ask our Legislature to prohibit individuals from carrying the large quantity of pepper spray employed by Mr. Fodor — far more than can be justified solely for self-defense purposes."

He also urged Fodor to consult legal counsel regarding his own potential personal civil liability "if he persists with his vigilante alter ego." Holmes said the state's Good Samaritan statutes are designed to protect individuals who happen upon — rather than actively seek out — opportunities to render assistance to others, without expectation of compensation.

"These laws are not designed to protect a branded, costumed character, his roving video crew, or their copyrighted videos from the reach of tort plaintiffs," Holmes said.

When speaking to reporters last month as Phoenix Jones, Fodor told reporters he was breaking up a fight and claimed he was the real victim of the incident. Fodor and his supporters have claimed police didn’t follow protocol.

Police say Fodor barged into the situation – something they say he's done in several other cases - and assaulted the women and men with the pepper spray.

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Still going to call this one a pseudo victory as Jones is now publicly tagged as a misguided vigilante. Only a matter of time now before a civil suit pops up.

RLSH Master Legend Enemies List

2011-11-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

Now that Master Legend has had a revival in the media, it his time for him to get down to business Nixon style!

Who does not love an enemies list? To dedicate so much time and effort to a vast group of people.. and then to proudly post said list to let others know how petty and small you are.

I thinned out the original list of 60+ people as I figure some of these folks Metatron has a gripe with most likely date back to high school. I have also alphabetized and broke the list into "good" and "bad" guys. Now I am really not sure why Master Legend has a problem with some of these fine folks so.... Zyklon B and I took a wild stab in the dark and wrote it next to the names on the list.

Capes

Akasha BlackRaven <- Womern
Amazonia Alkidike <- Womern
Ant RlsGod <- ML SPEAKS FOR GOD!
Drago Hammer <- a threat to the iron fist
Dusk Citizen <- Won't put up with crap
Fox Ofalbany <- satanic communist
Jack Cero <- Batman
Ladyhero Rlsh <- Broke Up his Super Team and a Womern
Mark Z Hood <- the "Z" makes him think of Zimmer. Jack Cero, and Zyklon B
Oldsuper Hero <- Use to be on his Super Team
Red Dragon <- ripped his name off of a Thomas Harris novel
Silver Sentinel <- Uses too many big words
TimberWolf Rlsh <- ANOTHER WOLF?
Themightymeow Rcr <- Won't put up with crap and a Womern
Victim Rlsh <- Won't put up with crap
Renegade'x Owl'sh <- Owls are scurry
Rlsh Nihilus <- has penis envy
Zimmer Barnes <- Gay

Goggles

Beelzubub BrutalLegend <- The Devil
Black Jak Rlsv <- He cheats at cards
Cedric Deadcellar <- doesn't use enough words. the opposite Lord Malignance
Discord Rlsv <- actually has the voice of an ANGEL!
Eye Station <- Only Station ML likes is TBS
Golden Don <- escaped from Donatella Versace's vagina
Grim Rlsv <- the reaper
Jebediah VonDeathbread <- YAY it's me!
Kaptain Blackheart <- likes that fishy smell
Le GrandSchtroumpf <- A smurf
Lord Malignance <- Uses too many big words
Mad Jack Blackguard <- He has black in his name
Malvado Los Muertos <- gay
Mocktavious Shlong <- Hmmm sounds gay
Niall Noígíallach <- who can even pronounce that?!
Octavius Fong <- puppet
Pestilence Rlsv <- horsemen along with grin
Profess OrPlague <- I want my steampunk death ray!
Sky Eye <- has conjunctivitis
TheAgent Orange <- Vitamin C is for punks!
TheBaron Ess <- Womern
War Rlsv <- horsemen along with grin
Zyklonb Rlsv <- Juggalo crime syndicate

For all of you who made this list congratulations, this is really a big deal! To have one of the premier RLSH members to acknowledge you... well it made me all giddy and warm and fuzzy inside.

Child Vigilantism: Do Your Part!

2011-11-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

One of of twelve children become vigilantes.

If you see any suspicious violent nocturnal activities in your child alert authorities immediately.

If Your Hobby Includes Dousing Bystanders with Pepper Spray, Don't be Surprised if the State Bars You from Working with Kids

2011-11-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Publicola reports:

Seattle’s most famous masked crusader, Phoenix Jones, is now an unemployed superhero after he was let go from his job teaching life skills to autistic kids, and told by the state that he is no longer allowed to work with vulnerable children or adults following his arrest last month, PubliCola has learned. [...]

Jones’ latest troubles come weeks after he was arrested by Seattle police for allegedly pepper spraying a group of men and women near Pioneer Square. Jones claims he was breaking up a fight, but police arrested him for assault. Following a court appearance in the case, Jones revealed his secret identity as 23-year-old mixed martial arts fighter Ben Fodor.

When asked to comment by Publicola,

“They all knew I was Phoenix Jones,” he says.

You told them? Seriously?! These kids can be impressionable, even by kid standards. Look, it's one thing to see Superman charging into a crowd with laser beams shooting from his eyes. Parents can remind their children that Superman isn't real. When it's a person in real life charging into a crowd with pepper spray and that man gets lots of positive attention because of it, these kids might not stop to think twice if they see something that looks similar, forgetting that they do not have pepper spray or martial art training*. What kid doesn't want to be idolized for helping?

Sure, Ben might have said "don't do what I do". Will the kids listen? Do kids ever listen**?

*As lovable as they are, autistic tots are not known for their remembering exactly how social situations are supposed to work, as this blog points out. Warning: It's not for the easily offended and you will feel like a terrible human being for laughing.

**Warning: Url has a swear word. You should probably show it to your teenagers anyway. In fact, can we put it in the curriculum of Sex Ed classes? Because at seven billion you guys need to stop this shit.

RLSH Phoenix Jones Aftermath

2011-10-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

A nice after action report from the TICK department brought to you by the word Zyklon and the letter B.

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You know, I initially intended to write this about the Phoenix Jones assault.. But to be perfectly honest with you.. I'm bored with that subject.

Let's instead talk about the aftermath.. True enough, I was hoping that justice would have prevailed and he would have been prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.. but alas, you can't have everything. However, the fact that he did get away with things did alot to discredit the entire RLSH movement.. Certainly in the eyes of the public.. The very people whom you all claim to serve and protect. Now, are you above the law?

I'm more than certain that some of you will start to believe that very thing.. Some of you who claim to have certain powers already believe that. So, whats next? You beat someone halfway to death with a weapon? Is that what it will take to assure that you do in fact deserve to be charged with a crime?

Had it been my courtroom that Mr. Fodor entered wearing his Phoenix Jones gear - I would have had him arrested on the spot for contempt. That was completely disrespectful on his part and showed not only a lack of respect for the law, but a complete lack of common sense. It was not cute. It was not funny. It just proved to him that he can do exactly what he pleases and he will be able to walk away from it unharmed.

It doesn't hurt that he has a publicist like Peter Tangen backing him financially either and paying for his legal costs. This entire ordeal was a complete and total atrocity - it is a slap in the face. What of the people who have done the same exact thing but are sitting in jail for it? Hmmm? The only difference? They didn't have on a ridiculous costume and start screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY FACE" when the police arrested them.

Unfortunately, this sets a precedent in the city of Seattle. All someone has to do now is put on a Domino mask and they can attack whoever they wish - and how is this possible? Easy answer - all they have to say is "well, you didn't charge Phoenix Jones for this crime - how can you charge me for it? Is he a special case?" Unfortunately, no.. he isn't. But as I said.. this sets a standard now..

Just a small rant.. I don't feel like going too much into this.. just stop and think before you support what this man did.. there will be consequences. This is only the beginning.

Zyklon B

R.O.A.C.H. Class 3 Metavillain - T.I.C.K.Department.

Phoenix Jones is in a Comic, at Last.

2011-10-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

via The Seattle P.I.

UPDATE on Phoenix Jones' Assault on Drunk People

2011-10-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: Shoe Girl "Maria"* called in to KIRO FM as I stared this post and said that yes, it was a fight. Maria's group were not just bystanders but trying to stop the fight on their own. In direct contradiction of Phoenix Jones' earlier statement on KIRO FM that he gassed a single male who was engaged in combat, Maria reports that Jones sprayed the gas in a large sweep that doused everyone in the area with the combination capsaicin and tear gas aerosol.

Pictured: symbol of gentleness, humility, and lol j/k aggressive juicehead.

A survey of news reports after Phoenix Jones' tear gas attack on unarmed civilians brings new facts to light:

According to Jones, when he began yelling to stop the fight, people did, in fact, comply.
This was Jones' second assault incident of the night, with reports coming in to the SPD that Jones had sprayed the exit of a nightclub with tear gas. He fled the scene before he could be arrested and his victims had dispersed (presumably to get medical attention). Police confirmed that the scene still smelled of tear gas.

The tear gas thing: Jones boasted on KIRO FM that his Aqua Net-sized canisters are not just pepper spray, but also contain a tear gas component. He proudly endorsed the brand for it's effectiveness.

Jones' sprayed the victims in two separate incidences during the struggle. The video did not visually pick up this second attack (to use Keegan Hamilton's phrase it was "Blair Witch style") but the victims can be heard screaming in pain.

Video shows that one of the men involved in the incident did get hit by a car. He bounced off the hood and continued running. If the victim had tear gas in his eyes then Jones is partly responsible for the hit. If the driver had tear gas in his eyes, that guy is a dick.

Jones claims that the police are out to get him, but also that he is on friendly terms with them and the department has strategized with him on numerous occasions. While the SPD isn't staffed entirely with saints, the police have released statements saying that the recent rash of tear gas incidents is unacceptable from anyone, uniformed or not.

Earlier this week, Jones tear gassed a drunk guy who tried to steal an empty party bus. The driver was standing nearby and managed to fight the man off on his own, but not before the bus rolled backwards and hit a parked car. Somehow, Jones could not catch up to the man he had just doused in tear gas. He blamed the police (who were not at all present during the incident) for letting the suspect get away from him.

In a face-to-face interview with Tea Krulos (author of the upcoming book "Heroes in the Night") on Monday, he said that Phoenix Jones keeps an unzipped "large black duffel bag full of weapons" in the front seat of his car. While we agreed that it had been placed there mainly for bragging rights to impress Krulos, the sight of stun batons, tasers, flash grenades and other paraphernalia did raise eyebrows.

Yes, Tea Krulos got punched in the face. Such is the life of a blogger/author/memoirist.

Jones is out on $3,800 bail and his custom-made suit has been booked as evidence in the assault.* His next court appearance is scheduled for Thursday. And this isn't his first run-in with the l aw.

NOTE OF INTEREST: The timing for Jones couldn't be worse: The local police are working overtime to keep an eye on Occupy ~~Wall Street~~ Westlake Plaza protest, trying to comply with orders to leave the protesters alone/kick them out and expressing "feelings of fatigue". The police are probably pretty cranky at this point since the mayor is going a little two-faced and it makes the cops look like the bad guys. Mayor McGinn alternately brings the protesters coffee and takes away their umbrellas because they count as 'tents' (note to self: do not accept invitations to Mayor's camp-o-rama next year). But hey, at least there's horse butt crowd control!

But in all seriousness, Jones? It's a bad week to be in the law's grey area. If I were you, I'd bring them some doughtnuts, tell them no hard feelings, and figure out a first-line defense that doesn't involve aerosols. You'll still have to deal with the courts, but if you want to work with them and not against them? You're going to have to do a little butt kissing, I'm afraid.

*There is still a ROACH t-shirt waiting for you if you want it, Maria!

**The SPD may have overstepped their bounds on this, but with a rash of people being assaulted with tear gas I can see their reasoning. Unfortuanately, Jones was out the very next night wearing a backup suit with a motorcycle helmet (which would have come in handy when a 90lb girl repeatedly hit him in the head with her shoe, but Jones' has never been one to sacrifice fashion for practicality).

RLSH Phoenix Jones Arrested

2011-10-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

Phoenix Jones arrested (again) this time in his super suit. Well about freaking time, what took them so long?

For those unfamiliar with this "hero" Phoenix Jones is a masked vigilante who patrols the streets of Seattle. Unlike other RLSH members Jones is backed by a public relations team lead by Peter Tangen. Since the beginning of this year Jones has been featured in many media outlets including national television, magazine, and radio spots. Now time to smile for the camera... it's shoe time!

Phoenix Jones Stops Assault from Ryan McNamee on Vimeo.

In the past there had been some question if some of the accounts Phoenix Jones gave about "fighting crime" where true. Even some videos of events have been accused of being staged. Do to the arrest of Jones by the SPD we are going to go with a leap of faith (snicker) and believe what we just viewed is an actual event and not staged or doctored in any way.

So it looks like a large group of people are doing something... hacky sack... the Lambada? Our "hero" runs in yelling his battle cry of "Call 9-11" charges into the mealy of confusion with a can of pepper spray (tear gas). All the men get the hell out of there... they don't want any part of this Black Batman bullshit. Now we have some wonderful life imitating art about to happen. If you recall from Batman Year 1, one of the caped crusaders first outings as a crime fighter involved him getting his ass handed to him by some prostitutes. It's really kinda funny as most RLSH members love comics, but fail to grasp the problems they will face bringing fantasy to reality. Your not going to go out in a blaze of glory stopping the Joker and saving Gotham.... some bitch with a shoe is going to wail on you.

I love these women, if there names ever go public they are defiantly getting T-shirts. I have wanted to chase Phoenix Jones around with a shoe for months now. I am guessing these gals also read comics as they know super heroes are not going to go all mixed martial arts on a lady. This is normally the time Batman would have say used his grappling hook or Batmobile and gotten out of there... but this is real life. As everyone is dispersing Jones cheerfully does a PSA to a passer by about not fighting in the streets.

Then (instead of leaving and or turning off the camera), Jones and crew decide to pursue the crowd. Zap Pow Bang action shot as someone gets hit by a car! Lots of running, confusion, and some phone time with the 9-11 operator. The girls return to confront Jones again, asking repeatedly "What have I done to you?" Damn I guess they do not read comics and fail to grasp the concept that Phoenix Jones is a dark avenger of the night and is doing all of this to help you.... and be marketed as a "Real Life Super Hero" a symbol of hope in this dying corrupt world.

Clobbering time with the shoe again... the ladies still do not like Black Batman or his can of pepper spray. After more shoes of fury they start pushing Jones and tell him to "Go Home!". At this point the men have re-grouped.... and have had a little time to think over the last four minutes of their life. If two women can take on this guy with a shoe.... wait a minute.. we are a freaking group of guys and this asshole not minding his own business pepper sprayed us. Unfortunately the camera man gets shoved into a wall and we loose some awesome fighting... well probably not, most likely it is Jones running away from them while trying to use his pepper spray.

Chapter Five: RUN AWAY! Ok "Hero" you are frantically calling the cops, think the people you pissed off.. oh wait I mean saving might be armed. What do you do, what do you do? Well if you were The Bat you would have been out of there over three minutes ago... most likely drinking a watermelon smoothy made by Alfred. I don't think they are impressed with the costume anymore.. pepper spray still sings though (hey when is that thing going to run out anyway?). The rest of this fine film features our crew of urban prowlers on the phone with 9-11, running, and having angry villagers chase them before the Settle Police Department shows up. Law enforcement do not like cameras... they have their own on the dash board of the vehicles.... end of movie.

After release of this story Jones mouth piece and creater of fantasy super hero posters Peter Tangen was quoted saying the following:

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Tangen says Jones had heard about a large fight where “somebody had just been body-slammed onto the concrete” and was rushing to help.

Jones apparently deployed his pepper spray to break up the fight.

Tangen—who claims police “seemed to have disregarded” a hit and run at the same scene, and failed to interview a cameraman and journalist who were with Jones, and had witnessed the fight—could not immediately provide PubliCola with a copy of the video.

“It’ll be interesting what [police] have to say when the video comes out,” Tangen said. “I’m very sure it’s going to show a different story than what police are saying.”

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Well Gosh I am no expert but it seems if your product Phoenix Jones had not gotten involved no one would have been hit by that car. And your "hero" failed to attend to the hurt person.... I guess they did not want his autograph?

Golly Pete, maybe you should stick with movie posters and exploiting dying children than encouraging a masked vigilante activism with fame and fortune dangled on a carrot in front of them. Peter Tangen has been quoted as wanting to do something that would get him public attention as apparently being paid thousands of dollars doing movie posters does not make you a house hold name.

SPD arrested Jones and booked him into the King County Jail for assault. Jones was released from custody several hours later.

The justice system used the Phantom Patriot Act and confiscated our "heroes" costume and two cans of pepper spray before he hurt more civilians in his misguided quest for fame and fortune. I just hope they take a long hard look at who is motivating this person and for what means.

Real Life Super Heroes

2011-09-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago today the over six thousand human beings were eradicated in a major metropolitan city. This was not a movie or comic book plot... this was real life.

From this event a terminology was coined:

"Real Life Super Hero"

This term was applied to emergency personnel who did their job at or above the call of duty.

To all the real life super heroes of New York who perished and persevered on this day..... we owe you our gratitude.

What is a Villain?

2011-07-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

Zyklon B is one of the first established RLSV persona's dating back to 2008. I asked for his perspective on what it is to be a "villain" as he has been at this longer then most.

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When Poopknife first asked me to help contribute to a blog.. I initially imagined myself writing something long winded and dramatic, but I’m not going to do that. No, instead I believe that I am going to write something that is rarely seen among the hero and villain community – the truth.

So, the topic is “What is a villain?”.. Well, allow me to enlighten you. We are greedy and offensive. We are self-serving. We are selfish. We are treacherous and we are liars. The only reason that we work with oneanother is because it serves a purpose to us. But, we don’t need any other reason but that. It makes us appear stronger or united in some grand cause. An even deeper truth is this.. We are nerds who are claiming to be villains because we want to be part of something and we think that this makes us look cool. We are Lambda Lambda Lambda lashing back against the Alpha Betas. We were the kids in school who were made fun of because we were smart, or gay, or different.. So, as we sat alone in our rooms(or with our other friends who were outcasts as well) reading comic books or watching cartoons.. We identified more with the bad guys.. We knew that we wanted to be like that.. Powerful and aggressive.

We dreamed of having an entire army under our control or laboratories where we would create all manners of monsters and weapons. We may try to act as if we don’t do this for some form of attention – but that would be a lie. Why else would we be so dramatic about things? Our appearances. The manner in which we write or say things. We create things that could potentially be marketable were we to play our cards write.. Artwork, or music, or whatever. Name one villain that doesn’t have something else going on that isn’t meant to be read or listened to or looked at.. We want recognition. We want our names to synonymous with the term “villainy”..

Many claim to adhere to some Villainous code of conduct – bullshit.. We are villains.. there is no such thing as a code of conduct. Or rules to live by. We each have our own agendas and ideals. Don’t try to force your opinions on me, because I promise – I will push back. The main issue with most villains is this – we can’t get past our own egos. Our own self-importance and arrogance is our undoing. Making claims to understand the end game of another whenthe other had not even explained the game to you.. Hahaha.. I found that amusing. So, to sum up what the Villainous side of the RLSH movement is – it’s Revenge of the Nerds (insert geeky laugh here).. If you don’t like what I have to say – Then kiss my ass and Fuck off.

Zyklon B

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For more of ZB's thoughts and insights catch "Theater of Creeps" on Blog Talk Radio.

Captain Ozone likes Kitties

2011-07-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

Now how can we possibly stay mad at this hero after this?

We love you Captain Ozone!

Cerebral Hypoxia

2011-07-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

Important information for all future villains. When designing one's costume please ensure your mask has proper breathing holes. Cerebral hypoxia is a terrible thing.

This public service message is brought to you by the letters L and M.

Superheroes HBO Trailer

2011-07-24T16:59:00.000-07:00

In roughly two weeks prepare to vomit in joy.

I have very high hopes for this Real Life Super Hero feature! If the trailer is any indication this does not look like it will be your standard glossed over media garbage.

I love the million dollar quote "They're doing it maybe for noble reasons, but perhaps there not using clear judgement". Oh lady if I had a dollar every time that horse has been taken out and beaten I would own the glue factory by now.

First Aid Kids

2011-07-23T12:22:00.001-07:00

Well it looks like ole Zeta is back (are we really surprised) and with a whole "new" look.

Gone is the blue hockey armor and sassy Z logo.. and in it's place we have only the best that Hot Topic has to offer. If he just added a black domino mask he could be a new side kick for Purple Lotus... look out Green Lizard your days are numbered!

I just really want to know what the heck "First Aid Kids" are?

For more exciting information on the return of Zeta (and worthless information on He-Man toys) tune in to http://www.illyaking.com/

Breach of Contract

2011-04-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

This was what the hat was supposed to look like.

You'll be hearing from our lawyers on Monday, Beatrice. Even your wicker basket collar can't save you now.

Cape-A-Bility Challenge: a New Low for Superhero Gimmicks

2011-04-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

Lady Discordia, ROACH envoy to the Alpha Centauri Star System, found this news story and brought it to my attention:

Can't find a Job?
Workforce Central Florida
wants to give you a Cape

April 15, 2011|By Jim Stratton, Orlando Sentinel

It may be hard getting a job in today's labor market, but Workforce Central Florida is prepared to give you a cape — a shiny, red cape.
At least while supplies last.
The region's federally funded jobs agency is spending more than $73,000 on a media campaign to raise awareness of its services.
As part of a superhero theme, it has created a cartoon character named "Dr. Evil Unemployment" and spent more than $14,000 on 6,000 satiny superhero capes.

The goal of the campaign is to "generate awareness of WFC and our programs," agency Vice President Kimberly Sullivan wrote in an email. The agency spent about $2,300 on 12 foam board cutouts of Dr. Evil Unemployment, each about 5 feet tall.
It paid $14,200 for the capes — almost 20 percent of the campaign's budget — which feature the "Cape-A-Bility" logo and the Workforce website.
"I have 6,000 capes to hand out," Sullivan said.

You folks know how I feel about "awareness campaigns". And can we make being unemployed just a little more degrading? "You can't feed your kids and you've been living in a seedy motel room since you lost your house-- here's a waist-length satin cape with our logo on it! No, we won't pay you to wear it, it's a gift from us to you!"

Need I even mention that it's Florida that's doing this?

Read the rest of the article HERE at the Orlando Sentinel.

Disclaimer:

***By popular demand, this article is reposted to the ROACH blog from Codename Beryllium, where I was hoarding it all to myself***

Now Under New Mismanagement

2011-04-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Why hello... what have we here? Greetings Roachies, what could it be someone joined up? Nah, I just found the White Skull's old password and have infiltrated the Damocles.... kinda silly that the password was ROACH.

Now where should we start? Let's go with what being a Meta Villain is all about. Here at ROACH we hold ourselves to a very high standard of evil unlike the digital world has ever seen. There are no "rules" to villainy... rules are for heroes and golf caddies. Rules for villainy is an oxymoron... there are no rules only levels of villainy.

The ROACH RLSV Meta Villain Class System

Class One Real Life Supervillain: Your persona is steeped in time-honored villain trope standbys like death rays and world domination, there is no time left in your day to bother with so-called "real life superheroes". They simply do not factor into your Blog, Youtube channel, Facebook page, Twitter feed, Podcast, Tumblr, and your still-in-it's-planning-stages reality show where participants get fed to alligators. It's not about real life superheroes, it's about you and your endlessly amusing exploits to rule the world.

Class Two Real Life Supervillain: World domination isn't enough to keep you occupied, and so you've looked into this "real life superhero" phenomenon and agreed that yes, every villain needs a hero. Laser-guided sharks and skull-shaped tropical hideaways are still your bread and butter for blog content, but every once in a while you feel the need to comment on the antics of vigilantes in spandex-- perhaps you've even set up a formal agreement with an RLSH to "arch" them, because they too realize that there's plenty of fun to be had in crazy schemes that involve zombie piranha. At no point would you ever expose an RLSH's name or identity, to do such a thing would be uncomfortably like vigilantism itself.

Class Three Real Life Supervillain: The trappings of fictional villainy are still in place-- you routinely brag about how far your army of cyborg mutant apes have come since you began feeding them nanobots along with their monkey chow-- but this is finely balanced with a passionate distaste for what is happening in reality with costumed vigilantes, some of whom you've decided are very very bad people indeed. You would never expose a real life superhero to harm, even the really rotten ones, but you've taken up arms online. Many of your posts have to do with shaming these vigilantes or haranguing them back into whatever hole they crawled out of. You have tracked down alter egos, just in case they think they can hide behind their mask if and when they lose touch with reality and do something terrible in the name of "justice".

Class Four Real Life Supervillain: Talking about mutant minions and other Sci-Fi supervillain staples has taken a back seat to the politics of getting real life superheroes to stop doing whatever they're doing in their entirety. You have tracked down the alter egos of all "heroes" you despise and you've made it a priority to expose their unseemly behavior and--perhaps-- even expose their names and other details about their lives to the wider public. While you've committed no crimes, the term "legal grey area" has cropped up more than once. You would never ever do someone bodily harm, but you are very much on the edge of being completely obsessed with the RLSH.

Class Five Real Life Supervillain: Your stated goal is to beat a real life superhero up, with or without weapons, and possibly even kill them. You may have never even heard the term "Metavillain"; you heard about real life superheroes and now you felt that it is time to live out your Batman/Joker fantasies. Stop. When you jump out of the dark corner and bring your wrath out on a 45 year old man with Aspergers syndrome who just donated plasma in a poorly made spandex costume, you will quickly learn that the Federal Prison System is nothing like Arkham Asylum, and reporters on TV compare you more to Jared Loughtner than they do Two-Face.

Let that sink in for a few minutes, in that fun spongy grey thing in your head.

Your lovable Jungle Boat tour guide.... we don't shoot the hippos any more.

-Poop Knife (Meta Villain Class Three)

ALL HAIL THE PONTIAC!

When you're wedged in between Lohan and the Kardashians...

2010-12-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

you know you've made it as a villain. Thank you TMZ.

The Potentate Muses on "Turn Off The Dark"

-The Potentate

Ruh Roh!

2010-08-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Just got this little video, thought I'd pass it along to you all. He clearly needs the attention so why not give him the views.

Now, he's either masking his voice or he's Charlie Brown's gruff gym teacher, but the important thing is that I really need to warn my Aztec predecessor The Pohtentahntay that someone is after him.

And I'm not entirely sure, but another ROACH sent me this video which may be him unmasked.

-The Pohtentahntay

p.s. Kesh, my friend, I understand the need to mask your voice when threatening people with death (a very heroic action by the way) but I really can't understand half of what you are saying. Keep up the videos though!

ALWAYS WITH THE THROWING STARS.

2010-07-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

What do we learn from this.
A: No one takes you seriously
B: The Police don't want you
C: PLASTIC STICKS?!?
D: There's already been a Viper, and they were much cooler.

-The Potentate

(via io9)

NOW THIS IS HOW YOU GET BLAMED FOR SOMETHING!!!

2010-06-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

The tire thing as I said, wasn't me or us and is way below us. MASSIVE ECOLOGICAL DESTRUCTION... We have an alley, and it is up it.

I'm so happy with the association I won't even go after the artist for using my image without my approval. THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!! I love giving approval!!!!

-The Potentate

http://sirmitchell.tumblr.com/post/675377351/i-decided-to-do-a-portrait-of-a-bp-exec-tonight
as seen on GIZMODO

ROACH I am dissapoint

2010-06-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Villainosphere was all abuzz with reports that ROACH had taken their exploits to the real world. There is plenty of discussion and conjecture floating around, but this is as close as it gets to what actually happened, straight from the source.

http://reallifesuperheroes.org/archives/3855

Please read that, but the long and short of it is, someone claiming to be ROACH slashed Zetaman's, a cape out of Portland, tires and left a ROACH insignia on window. There are plenty of people out there who have many theories and I'm going to pretty much ignore all of them because they all branch deeply into the land of slander and libel.

Here is what I know.

I know it wasn't anything I, or any member I keep in contact with would sanction or perform, or even think to do.

I know that petty destructive vandalism does nothing to help our cause, or help us take over the world. One needs working vehicles to wreak havoc with society.

I know I expect more class, intelligence, and cleverness from any member of ROACH when dealing with the heroes.

I know that I've had both wheels, and the cars they were attached to (at different points) stolen and know the rage and anger that occurs when one needs to get to work, walks out his door and realizes he can't, then has to make the decision to pay the deductible or eat the cost.

If I find out it was someone affiliated with us (again, highly doubtful), sorry pal, but you'll be left swinging in the breeze, and that breeze is probably going to be blowing into the direction of the law. Not only did you break the law, you did it in my name and that means you're not only fucking with them, you're fucking with us. Not cool.

As Zetaman says in that post we are Parody and the willful destruction of public property pretty much puts an end to that. We could get into a whole the mere existence of ROACH caused this, Judas Priest killed that kid, The Wachowskis are responsible for school shootings, but for now leave it be. Someone out there was looking to do something bad and if it hadn't been a ROACH flyer it would've been something else. But none of that changes the fact that Z can't drive to the grocery store.

I'll place this here for the people who didn't go to the link.
*If you or someone you know has any information about this case, please contact Officer Jeff Ridgeway of the Beaverton Police Department at 503-526-2261*

-The Potentate

Sorry ladies and germs, no comments on this one. I'm irritated enough as it is and don't feel like dealing with a constant back and forth between you guys and Slander Claus and Jingle Bells.

an added note:
For the record. If ROACH were to do something to Zetaman's car, which we wouldn't because it's creepy, a breach of privacy, and takes a sledge hammer to the 4th Wall... we'd probably shrink wrap it. It's annoying, but harmless, and even Karl Rove thinks it's funny.

But again... DON'T. Seriously DON'T. That's not "Don't *wink wink". That's leave the dude and his wife alone.

Enjoyable to say the least.

2010-05-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

This video came to me via potential member Thrill Kill Phil. Thanks. I feel it makes some valid points, but even if you argue with its position on the RLSHs... who doesn't love a little pickin' n' grinnin.

-The Potentate

Well, you know you've made it when....

2010-05-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

If parody is the highest form of flattery then one could only assume that being repeatedly called a retard and a faggot is tantamount to a deep tissue massage from a beautiful woman who just softly whispers "You're the king." in your ear.

enjoy...
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/R.O.A.C.H.

-Potentate

There comes a time when we heed a certain call.

2010-04-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have some rather important, and possibly disheartening news, to bring you all. ROACH has been around for about a year now and I've had some interesting and wonderful experiences with you all. But it has been a tough road. There has been controversy which brought the law to some members doorsteps. There has been fighting among villains and heroes alike. This has caused me a great deal of stress which has forced me to really look inward and examine myself and what I want out of life. Do I want to just irritate people who are trying to do good? Do I want the time and energy that could be used to help the world around me to be used for laughs, hi jinx and general mischief? Of course not.

After talking about it with Mrs. Potentate we have decided that it is time to ascend out of the muck and mire and try and join forces with the RLSHs. I know some of you won't agree with this, but we feel that it is the right thing for us and for our lives. We made the decision to make the commitment a while ago and have been spending time training and and properly preparing our physiques for the rigorous demands of the RLSH standards and the nightly crime patrols we will need to go on. I invite you all to sally forth with us to the next stage of ROACH (still working on a new acronym).

So without further adieu may I reveal to you The Potentate 2.0, Hero.

-The Potentate 1.0

Even I, master of wit and quick thinkedness, is at a loss for words

2010-03-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

I never check my Facebook. I know there is a ROACH group on there, I started it, but I almost never check it out because Facebook is such a clusterfuck of bad design, bad ideas, and people's opinions. That said, I occasionally venture over there to see what is happening, or more to the point when I get friend requests and don't want to leave people hanging. So imagine my surprise when I saw THIS!!!

Wow. I mean. I'm honored, I really am. He's the reason I started ROACH! But can I? It's like John Lydon sitting down for tea with Andy Gibb.

What do I do ROACHes? CONFIRM so that I can gain his trust and keep tabs on his goings on, slowly using that information to build a plan to crush him? Or simply IGNORE like the "heroic" gnat that he is?! I wish DENY!!!! was an option.

Random thoughts...

- Nice job finally figuring out that no one uses MySpace anymore *ahem RLSHs!!! I'm looking in your direction!

- I'm impressed that Cincinnati has apparently installed WiFi under bridges and in alleyways.

- Who the fuck are the two mutual friends? (I know I could just click on that, but the mystery is so much more appealing.)

- Does he play Mafia, or FarmVille?

-The Potentate

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY and

2010-03-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Z

It's been a while since we've had a new foe!!!

Welcome.

You seem to want to paint us as shallow attention whores with no real purpose in life than to want to be a minor thorn in the side of RLSH's. You say we want to do this with little thought and little effort. You seem to feel that we have no driving purpose and no real goals or mission beyond taking potshots at a handful of severely misguided (potentially mentally challenged) fools with occasionally good intentions.

To you I say... HOW DARE YOU!!!

What gives you the right to hold a mirror up to our exploits and point out exactly who we are and what we are doing!?! Your efforts in revealing our shallowness and transparency may make you a powerful adversary for me!!! YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU POINTED OUT OUR GLARING CHARACTER FLAWS!!! ONE OF THESE DAYS WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT I'M GOING TO... oooh, "Red Dawn" is on!

Sorry, where was I. I don't know. Oh right...

Yes, Z, I would totally be proud to have you as a member! In all honesty you have probably one of the best outfits I've seen on anyone in our warring factions. Often it looks like someone held on to their Lacrosse gear from middle school and painted it black once they lost all direction in life. But you actually look like an honest to god street warrior. Kudos. Though, one critique if I may... I'd advise not landing a roof to roof jump with a tuck and roll or you may get a metal plate to the lungs.

FOR THE GLORY OF ROACH!!!

-The Potentate.

ROACH in the PRESS!!!

2010-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

In the last post I mentioned our fashionable tee shirts. I know that I catch hell for being little more than a shill for the shirts, and while I do like selling them they aren't why I do this. (only a few left until I make more, if I do!) If it was why I do this I'd be an economic fool. Of course we all know I do it for a love of Villainy and Power, and a loathsome hatred of heroes!

For me, the shirts are merely a facile symbol of unity among like minded individuals. Not all members are expected to constantly sport extravagant science or evil garb. It can be cumbersome, and conspicuous. Even I have been known to exit the house with my Head Smolderer™ turned off. So we have the shirts for the Grande Villains on their off days. But, we also have them for our every day infiltrator. The backbone of our endoskeleton, the eggs in our soufflé of suffering, the grunts if I may be uncouth. I know that for every costumed mischief maker there are 20 of you supporting him by tiny acts of evil every day in your everyday lives. And for that I thank you.

The latest instance of this came to me from ROACH member Shannon. A clever lad with ROACH, he excels in gaming theory which, when need be, allows me to call on him for strategy and psy-ops. But his day job is not too far from that. Working for Newtoy creating games and apps for the iPhone he is a perfect example of how you can infiltrate yourself into a position of power so you are primed and ready to act when called upon. For instance... maybe he could have already placed code into the games that emits a small subliminal ROACH message to all who play the games. I'm not saying he did... only that he could *WINK WINK.

So when the popular gaming magazine came to his company to interview and photograph him, he did what any good ROACH would do. He tossed on his uniform and went to work. And BOOM! Great Press Success. It is the Feb issue of Edge, and should still be on stands near you as it is an English publication and takes for fucking ever to get to the US. And they spell words funny... like favourite.

So go support Shannon and Newtoy and buy their apps!

And if you have photos or stories of yourself and your experience with ROACH, let me know and I'll get it out to the world.

-The Potentate

These are the people in my EVIL NEIGHBORHOOD

2010-03-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

The best part of being the Supreme Leader of an organization like this isn't the glory and gold, though that's nice, it's meeting and talking with the people like you who are the backbone of this organization.

Recently I've had the chance to become better acquainted with some members such as Agent Beryllium, Aluminum Chef, and Fatal Phyllo. This past weekend I joined Agent B as we protested the demotion of Pluto as a planet. Now you may say... Potentate, why the fuck do you care about Pluto's planetary status, and what does that have to do with defeating heroes? Well normally I'd agree with you and say, you're right it has nothing to do with heroes and normally I like to avoid nerds and their nerddery nerdings BUT, I spent a considerable amount of time and resources several years ago annexing Pluto with several bases in what is essentially a flanking manuever for our Solar System. If ROACH is all the way out there we control what comes in and what goes out!

So to have it be demoted to whatever, sort of makes the whole thing less impressive. Nonetheless, I want to thank Agent Beryllium for her assistance in the matter and for making a terrific sign. I did have to discipline her for misspelling Super-villain however. Oh well, Pobody's Nerfect.
Her attire is fantastic though.

Keep me informed in your goings on ROACHES!!!

-The Potentate

The only day of the year when forcing your love on someone is expected.

2010-02-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, I had my cohort release this card to the world earlier in the week so you may have seen it. But I want the message to be no less important when I deliver it to you.

I've always liked Valentine's Day because thanks to people decorating everything in reds it makes it that much easier for me to envision what the world will look like when I MAKE THE STREETS RUN RED WITH BLOOD!!! Similar to how St. Patty's day makes me wistful of the time when I conquered Afelon 5 in Dimension Z. Those Afelons... like little green water-balloons. Sigh, I've said to much.

-The Potentate

YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE

2010-02-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

As I sit here with a glass of scotch, and a smoldering Kamel Red Light in my hand I look back on the adventures I had with our old friend. Repairing the Orbiting Death Ray, visits to Dimension Z, pouring over his walls of text and photoshops, laughing at his brilliant drubbing of heroes and his brilliant dubbing of "Downfall", I have only the fondness of memories.

Now I can only feel rage at the betrayal by one of our closest and most powerful allies. As a benevolent leader I let him walk away from villainy knowing all to well that the dual life we lead can often crash into one another. I thought his pendulum would just stop, not swing over to the other side. Truly if the battle came too close to your door, why open it and invite the other side in?

Truly duplicity and betrayal is to be expected from a villain, I know, and for that I will respect him for now and let him be. But RUE THE DAY YOU MOVE AGAINST US!!!

Now if you'll excuse me. I must go search for a new right hand person. The time is beyond due.

-The Potentate

[photo stolen from this brilliant blog]
[Thank you to Lord Malignance and Agent Beryllium for their continued diligence]

COMMENTS

2010-02-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

Comment away. A slip of a minion's mouse finger restricted the commenting a bit more than I had planned. They have been destroyed.

-The Potentate.

I'M SORRY I FORGOT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS MORE THAN I

2010-02-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

Apparently someone is going through my inbox and reading through all of my communications with ROACH members so they know precisely who is (or isn't) doing what. Oh, hahah, I'm sorry, no they aren't so they have no fucking idea what is going on.

We have many members who contact yours truly, The Potentate, which by the by many who contact me in private Emails address me as PAUL which stands for Potentate Addo Usquequaque Laus (Potentate, Always Bringing Praise). Often addressed to me on their knees it is a kind way of giving me my due glory. Now these people bring to me information slowly as many of them, while dedicated, aren't full time villains. Nor am I. I have to keep up my alter ego, which of late has taken more effort than usual. But there are those out there who bring me information and their own plans.

Like King Nazi (not really a nazi, but evil nonetheless) who has brought to me interesting information and opinions on Master Legend that I honestly am still trying to figure out what to do with.

Like Agent Beryllium, Fatal Phyllo and Aluminum Chef, who are rather driven and dedicated in the ways of villainy as I recently discovered. In some ways they are more nefarious than even I, though sadly, the world will never know.

Exit Nero, who honestly creeps the hell out of me, but dammit if that isn't what his genre of villainy is supposed to do.

And The Killmeleon who is the leader of "The Hive" an East Coast based organization that I am proud to announce has joined forces with ROACH on our quest for glory. There is more info to come very shortly on that, but East Coasters... Stay tuned.

So you see, I never know when someone is going to do something and I'm constantly being surprised. So will I remove some members? Perhaps if their visage annoys me, but others make their presence known at varying intervals so we shall see.

And remember. It's the fucking internet. I, nor many, don't spend all our time there. Many go about their regular lives disrupting the real world with little acts of villainy here and there and everywhere which can often be far more damaging than yelling at a wall. And I try to only post when there is something to actually talk about. This isn't Twitter for angry people.

And if someone wants a profile PUT UP, someone who is very vocal in the world of ROACH, someone who may be feeling a little left out even though they already have had a little post about them on an appropriate day, then they need only email me so. I know they have the address.

That is all for now.

-The Potentate

Oh, and since we have a nice little membership going here. I think I'll remove anon commenting for a while.

REFRESH THE WORLD IN THE NAME OF ROACH

2010-01-13T09:01:00.000-08:00

Now, I've long said that the beauty of a being a villain is that their are no rules. Of course there are times where we perform great feats of evil and terror, but sometimes if we so desire, we can do good! Which is why I think this project may suit us greatly.

The good people at Pepsi have begun a campaign where they are issuing millions of dollars in grants to people who have good ideas to help the world. I think ROACH should try and share in that piece of the pie. I think this is a chance for us to break out and show the world what a power we could be. And no, this isn't me trying to grub for profit like so many claim I do with the Tee-Shirts (and they're right, I do, who gives a fuck, I like money). This money would go to whatever project we decide to work on. And yes, this is a real deal. Feel free to enter submissions in the name or ROACH for Death Rays, Hero Catchin' Nets, etc... but I think we have a real opportunity here to do something wonderful. Check out the site here and let me know what your thoughts are.

http://www.refresheverything.com/

Oh, and in case you think I've gone soft... This would be a gigantic up-yours to the heroes if we could pull this off. Just imagine a RLSH going out on his nightly patrols only to find out the new playground down the street that he is going to protect is the ROACH Spruce St. Playground. Or hell, we make news for sending massive aid to Haiti all in the name of ROACH while they are mumbling on their message boards comparing me to fictional characters like Lex Luthor. (for the record I have a full head of beautiful hair)

Put on your ROACH thinking caps and get to work!

-The Potentate

8 DAYS IN AND ALREADY CALLED OUT

2010-01-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure most of you have seen io9.com or the Boston Phoenix articles calling 2010 "The Year of the RLSHs" This can't fucking happen. We must not let them get the attention they so richly crave!!! This weekend I will formulate plans to counteract this. Stay tuned.

RESOLUTIONS ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO BLEW IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

2010-01-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

UPDATE:

As it is still the holiday season, a time of giving, I hereby respond to Crimson's request and with great benevolence deliver you a "Wallpaper". There are two stipulations.

1: It is a Wallpaper/Background image. If I catch any of you saying anything along the lines of "Hey look I got a new ROACH screensaver!" then I may have to revoke your membership unless you are one of our more aged members who doesn't know any better.

B: I am giving it to you in 1920x1080 which should be more than large enough for any normal screen. But for any with alternative sizes, membership in ROACH did come with a complete copy of Adobe CS4 so you should be more than able to stretch this out using gradients or simple resizing. If you did not recieve your copy of CS4, then tough titties.

Enjoy. (use megaupload link because Google is a real cock-knocker when it comes to big images)

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5BRBYJIS

Merry Krampus

2009-12-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

Hello all. I wanted to pop in from my busy-ness to wish you all a Merry Krampus and I hope you are all out and about terrorizing the locals with your fearsome visages.

I also have overcome the technical difficulty which was plaguing the website and it is up and running again.

For now that is all, though news for those on the mid-east coast coming very soon.

Enjoy the night.

-The Potentate

VILLAINS HAVE THEIR OWN OPERATING SYSTEM...

2009-11-18T08:54:00.000-08:00

Evil.

-The Potentate

INSPIRATION

2009-11-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

Keep your eyes on the prize people.

-The Potentate

-from the LA Times (photo gallery here, well worth a look) via io9 -

FUCK YOU WHEDONVERSE!!!

2009-11-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

Several months ago I put forth a mission to you all to have the show Dollhouse, so bad it was criminal, cancelled. Some detractors said it couldn't be done, others on our side said it shouldn't be done. Well the time has come that I can say GREAT SUCCESS!!! It was just announced that Fox has cancelled it!

Now I know what some of our critics will say that this show was mediocre at best and was felled by a poor expensive production with an aimless direction in addition to a declining viewership and that we here at ROACH didn't do anything.

All I can say is... didn't we? (rubs hands menacingly)

-The Potentate

HALLOWEEN DONE RIGHT

2009-11-11T14:12:00.002-08:00

Agent Beryllium and Phatal Phyllo answering the question... Trick or Treat?

Please visit Agent Beryllium's blog for more photos of their mischief and mayhem this past holiday.

Keep up the good work and keep me posted on any new visitors obtained by your card.

-The Potentate

Three posts in one day? Ye gods!

2009-11-10T20:21:00.000-08:00

The Potentate's going to kill me for sucking up all of ROACH's alloted daily Internets.

Anyway, after a few posts and several enlightening discussions in various comment threads and IM windows, I've come to a more refined list of the enemies of ROACH, nay, the enemies of civilized society.

ROACH's foes do NOT include the RLSH at large. Most of them are harmless charity-figures that serve in philanthropic positions. While an annoyance with their mere existence, these people are not enough of an interference to warrant action on our part, merely ridicule.

ROACH, instead of putting everyone in a costume in its crosshairs, needs to narrow its focus down to that oft-maligned group within the RLSH community, the vigilantes.

While we're at it, we need to police ourselves to prevent any vigilantism within our own community. Hard to see through a black eye, no?

Thanks to Krampus for his insightful comments; as we continue our villainous activities, it's always good to have a lens through which to look at ourselves refine our own methods and ideologies. As he has taken on the persona of a mythological dowsing rod for evil itself, Krampus has served to be that lens for myself, and I hope, for the larger RLSV community.

Also, the RLSV community. I know we dislike being labeled. It cheapens us as a whole. However, there are enough of us out there now that we do form a community, no matter how dysfunctional we may be. It's time we labeled ourselves properly, and if Real Life Supervillains is what the world wants to call us, then I say we fit closely enough within that aesthetic to warrant branding ourselves as that.

The Potentate, busy as he is, has stressed before the importance of community, even going so far as to open negotiations with other villainous organizations such as The Hive, Nema Enterprises, and other groups. As a cog within a larger machine (admittedly a LARGE cog,) ROACH owes a debt to those emerging RLSV out there that need guidance through their larval stage and into full-stage adult villains. We must instill our strict moral codes (I.E. the disbanding of the vigilante community, burying New York in volcanic ash, and firing all the dolphins into the Sun,) into these young minions and train them to be Machiavellian schemers and dreamers who build death rays beneath active fault lines and keep Hayden Christensen in a cage beneath their throne to feed errant guests to.

-The White Skull, Agent of ROACH

2009-11-10T16:49:00.001-08:00

Once again, it seems I've stepped on toes in the Superhero community (or in this case, cloven hooves).

Now, Krampus actually had a point in his response. PST and I did agree to leave each other alone. However, in one of the final emails between she and myself, she did say "you want to tear me down on the blogspot, fine, but leave me alone, don't follow me to other sites on the Internet (which I didn't; I went to SyFy's forum to harass the RLSH community in general, originally,) and don't email me any more."

To be fair, I have left her alone. I haven't checked up to see what she's been doing, I haven't written blogs about her, save for the one I posted earlier today, and even in that one we see that I blundered a bit, since the comment in question had been posted months ago.

Krampus' point was that I had violated the public agreement we had made (after a fashion; the comment had been pulled form her Myspace page, which I had only visited when it popped up in my "people you may know" tab, so making a blog posting about it was technically over the line, since, well, Myspace is Myspace and Blogger is Blogger and the two don't actually intersect.

To which I shall offer one, and only one, public apology and redaction of the previous post.

*ahem* Pint-Sized Tyrant, I am sorry that I am a desperately evil villain who was curious enough to click on your publicly listed Myspace page that you haven't visited in months and likely forgot that it existed.

Wow. That tasted like shit even more than I thought it would.

Secondly, if The Krampus wants to put me on his naughty list, since December 5th is rapidly approaching and all, let him. We didn't sign up to be villains to get adoring throngs of fans.

Krampus, you have been woefully quiet of late. I never thought I'd hear myself typing this, but I've personally missed your borderline racist comments in the blog. Krampus come home already.

Although you hold no allegiance to either the RLSH or RLSV communities, you are interesting enough that I check up on your blog every now and again, and though I find your pop culture references annoying, I still tune in to Creature Feature and enjoy your dulcet tones every Saturday night.

If there was ever a person, or in your case, a cryptomorph, worthy of The White Skull's admiration, then The Loch Ness Monster is that cryptomorph, with Krampus in second place.

So come on already; comment, attempt to tear us down with your high-and-mighty "my dear boy" attitude and your penchant for witty nicknames! Be the anti-White Skull we all want! Give in to your adoring public, Krampus; remember that it's them you're ultimately on life's stage for.

Signed,

An adoring, misguided fan,

-The White Skull, esq.

Superhero Support.

2009-11-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

*sigh* Redacted.

Thanks to The Krampus for pointing out that in my zeal I had posted something that actually took place two months ago. I'm not ashamed at stirring the pot, (As PST herself gave permission in an email to stir things on the Blogspot page,) but I am ashamed at my lack of reading the entire post to see the timestamp. Color me chagrined.

A message from your friendly neighborhood White Skull

2009-11-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

Retirement's for the birds and my 401(k) ran out anyway. (That tends to happen when you spend the entire thing on unstoppable doom-bots.)

I'd like to address some rather distressing rumors that have been circulating around the Internet of late. Apparently, there is enough of a lull in us pissing people off that the vast majority of the community believes that the RLSV movement is dead.

I don't have to remind you all that our ultimate goal is the complete discrediting and disbanding of the RLSH community, and how damaging to our cause these rumors can become if we don't step back up to the plate and take action!

Come on, people; we've all been lax of late. Some of us have valid excuses, as in the case of The Potentate, who's just welcomed an infant into his Fortress of Ill Intent. Other supervillains in the community, myself included, have just let things slide, let apathy creep in.

The RLSH is more dangerous than most of you realize. As Real Life Supervillains, we must, we must keep at it, never let them breathe, never let them recover, always keep them wondering where our next blow will strike from.

The worst thing we can do is let ourselves slip enough to the point that they no longer see us as a credible threat.

To that end, I'm throwing the gauntlet. RLSH community, to include the little off-shoot groups such as the Skiffytown League and the Black Monday Society and even the Oracle Team (though their aim seems to be at incarcerating demons in mountains, they wear masks and brand themselves "heroes," so they're fair fucking game...) you are all on notice.

All of you.

ROACH is not going anywhere; we are here to stay and to frustrate your plans and your patrols and your charity events at every possible step. We will humiliate you publicly, we will make sure the authorities know exactly who you are and where you live so they can keep an eye on your borderline illegal vigilantism, and we will make you miserable to the extent that you give it UP.

We will destroy you.

And then we'll invite you over for tea, because, after all, we are gracious overlords.

-The White Skull, the Once & Future Voice of ROACH

TRICK, TREAT, OR TERROR... A Holiday greeting from the LARVA nursery

2009-10-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Well it is Halloween. A time when all dabble in the dark arts and sip from the goblet of evil. But for me I feel the same as I do on St. Patty's day. I'm Irish all year round, and I'm Evil every day possible. So all I do on these holidays is sit and watch pretenders play at amateur hour.

So I take this day as a solemn holiday to teach those close to me about the importance of evil.

As I sit here with the first branch of my family tree reaching out to extend my great name into immortality, I see dissension among the ranks. There are those of you who feel that we, as a supervillain organization are not doing all we can to put down the RLSH's and to promote our conquest of the world. Black Sun, Crimson Nematode et al... Your complaints do not fall upon deaf ears. The White Skull has been correct in saying we feel you should take your own initiative, but I understand that we also have a responsibility as well. I understand your dissension is more frustration.

Then I receive this email in my inbox...

Ladies and Gentlemen of R.O.A.C.H.

I have reviewed every aspect of your website, and I find myself not in the least scared. Slightly annoyed, maybe, but mostly amused. You say you exist to thwart us, but your suggested "Mission" ideas have nothing to do with anything truly evil or that will go against what we as RLSH's do. Although your second mission is to buy a shirt, which is pretty damn evil. Either way, the fact that you exist compels me to fight against you. So be warned.

Regards,

- The Reflection

Way to strengthen my resolve, thank you... The Reflection.

For starters, what kind of name is that if you hope to attack Super Villains? I don't know about the rest of you, but there are few things I love more in this world than my own reflection, so already I'm not scared. Secondly, have you no website, no blog, no merchandise? How do I even know what you are, or who you look like, I'll take a fucking Friendster page for crying out loud!! You come to my home with such weak words expecting to frighten me?! I get more startled by trick-or-treaters in princess costumes! So reflect on this my friend... step carefully because ROACH isn't afraid of 7 years of bad luck.

He got me rightly raged and I need to rally you ROACHES together. People say we can't do anything, some say we wont, and I disagree. I've provided the spark, the inspiration, the canvas for your villainy. They say that all we do is post on a blog, and make videos. I've seen little else from RLSHs! They don't even sell T-Shirts! In fact most of their time seems occupied with watching over us! So I say to you, do your part for ROACH and I'll do better to do mine. We know we can't commit crimes. This is not a hindrance, only a push for us to be more creative!

Now that I have sleepless nights I will try to spend those evil hours helping us all. I've begun to follow and catch up on the wonderful blogs you have created. I will try and find those things that you do that are so villainous, but if you do something that you find spectacular, from creating a Death Ray to Youtube Videos... feel free to email me so I can spread the word with ROACH. Also, do your own part to help the cause. Anybody have a thousand dollars lying around? Why not buy www.rlsh.com so we can get cracking with some true misdirection. I still intend to create a proper forum for us (though I see Lord Malignance has one of his own, I will check it out). If you feel so inclined to create one for us, let me know so I can provide proper visual assets.

And as soon as my LARVA feeding schedule gets hashed out I will announce a Meat & Beat location for the Pac NW area that I will organize. You are on your own for your various locations however.

ROACH was never intended to be a single lightening strike against the RLSH's and the world, but rather slow gathering storm. I would have said a growing, slow moving, powerful, unstoppable, un-killable, devastating infestation that will prevail through any catastrophe that is brought upon us, but I just couldn't think of the proper analogy for that. Oh well.

Oh as for The Reflection... I can't get that angry at him. He and his partner Digicam Man are just responsible for too. much. awesome. on. the internet.

Have a wonderful holiday and go frighten children, grownups, and most importantly Real Life Super Heroes as they get fat on chocolate and try to play with the big boys!!! I WANT STORIES!!!

-THE POTENTATE

Glorious Tidings of Great Doom!

2009-10-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Rejoice, villains and minions alike!

Today, that most blessed unholy event has happened; our glorious leader, The Potentate, has channeled the dark forces from the star-spawn beyond space and time and sired a daughter.

Already, she has shown herself quite villainous, as, just minutes after her birth, she imposed her will upon the doctor that bathed her to immolate himself.

Mr. and Mrs. The Potentate are both doing well and appreciate your dedication to the cause.

As with all of our junior villains, The Potentate's Daughter will be sent off to only the finest of evil academies to hone her craft into unspeakable greatness.

The Aluminum Chef and Fatal Phyllo will hold a special celebratory dinner in ROACH's mess hall. Attendance is mandatory.

Except for you, Captain Flatulence. You just stay outside. Someone will bring you your cake.

On Holiday Entertaining

2009-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

So, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year is fast approaching. There will be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Halloweens long long ago.

What, you thought I was talking about Christmas? Pfft.

Anyway, with Halloween right around the corner, it's time to put the finishing touches on your costumes and haunted houses and prepare for a long night of handing out zombie virus-laced candies to the neighborhood children.

But wait! You are an adult, and as an adult, you find yourself invited to a party/hosting a party!

What to do?

Why, when life gives you lemons, you make meatballs, and confuse the living hell out of life, which was quite sure it chucked lemons at you, and not the fourteen or so different ingredients necessary to produce such meatballs. Oh, well, life quips, and slinks off to the back porch to drink moonshine.

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you The White Skull's Famous Halloween Meatballs!

Before you begin your preparations, I advise you to stop by Henry's Market or a comparable organic foods market; we don't have to eat like pigs just because we're villains.

We leave that to the heroes.

Anyway, head down to your market and assemble this list of ingredients:

1 small onion, grated
1 large egg
3 tablespoons tomato paste
3 garlic cloves, minced (Though the recipe calls for 3, I only use 2.)
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
2/3 cup grated parmesan cheese
8 ounces lean ground beef, bison or venison (avoid Mad-Cow infused beef, unless that's your thing.)
1 cup cooked steel cut oats
1/4 cup whole wheat bread crumbs
14-20 olives (black or green, depending on preference)

Whisk the first 7 ingredients in a large bowl to blend. Mix in the beef, oats and bread crumbs. Using about 2 tablespoons of meat for each, shape the meat mixture into 1 1/4 to 1 1/2-inch-diameter skulls. Push your olives into the eye sockets of the meat skulls, ensuring that they are firmly settled into the meat. This may require cutting the olives into smaller sizes depending on the size of your meat-skulls. Place on a baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes.

Viola! You will now have the most delicious and charmingly halloween-themed meatballs the world has ever seen. I make these meatballs regularly, and I'd like to point out that I use turkey, since it is healthier than beef, and also because Ben Franklin wanted the Turkey to be the National Bird, and it's cheaper than going out and killing Bald Eagles.

Enjoy!

-The White Skull

The White Skull would like to thank Taste is Trump for the delicious meatball recipe.

2009-10-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hello, children.

Just making sure you're all behaving yourselves.

-The White Skull

THE TIME HAS COME TO ADVANCE THE CAUSE BEYOND THESE DIGITAL WALLS.

2009-10-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hello my ROACHes.

It’s time to take this to the next level. I know that this ROACH seems outlandish and silly but I believe that I have hit a nerve with you people. I see people eager to join ROACH, making costumes, videos, photos and eager to help. But how can we accomplish our mission? We are villains, this much is true. In the classic sense of the word this means Criminal, evil doer, and antagonist for the hero. However, while I have received many emails from you wanting to join and to help, almost none of you write to me saying, “Let’s kill the heroes”, “let’s commit crimes and mayhem and destroy the world”. To be honest, I feel few of us would be willing to do that anyways, and our journey towards global domination would end rather quickly. What I hear from most of you is a cry from frustrated and smart people looking to destroy the status quo. This is something we can accomplish.

The word Villain derives from the old French word Villein which basically means farmhand. In feudal times you had your caste system of Knights, Lords, Vassals etc… the villeins were your commoners, those who worked on the soil. As time went on they became stereotyped as rapists, thieves, murderers and vagabonds by the ruling and wealthy class who believed they were not as chivalrous as they. Even when they were criminals it was often because the system had forced their hand to such acts, and thus, the villain was conceived. Conceived when the Knights, the heroes of the time, raped the common people with their slander and bullshit ideology. This brings us to today.

ROACH is the common people. I read your letters. We are the students, soldiers, workers, fishers, computer techs, writers, artists who make up society. We are the ones who have gone to school, done our work, and show up every day ready to do our part and we see our efforts stolen and belittled by those who are louder, stupider, and richer. Nowhere is this more evident than the internet. With its public diaries sharing space with and blurring the lines created by real journalists. And Twitter, the Stock Ticker for your asshole, the dissemination of knowledge has gone from a collection of speakers in an auditorium to the full scale din of the crowd at a foo/utball game.

Our voices need to be heard. And in today’s world of 24 Hour cable news, reality shows, talk shows, pointless celebrity and political drivel we won’t be heard. We won’t be heard unless we can create true MAYHEM OF RHETORIC. In no short time I want to see Agent Beryllium, Crimson Nematode, Calamity and all of you fine members being discussed with equal disdain and confusion by both Glen Beck and Keith Olbermann. I want to see The White Skull or myself sitting across from Ann Curry on the Today show and when she asks why people in black, red, and gray uniforms and assorted costumes were standing in the middle of a healthcare protest facing both sides with signs that said things like “You guys are really good at protesting.” and “The other side is more right than you!”, we will look at her and say “Because it was there.”

This is why it is time to move ROACH beyond this digital landscape and into the real world. I have other plans for down the road, very realistic doable things (that will not involve Kool Aid drinking), but for now let’s start with the most simple and straightforward thing imaginable. Let’s meet up. There are ROACH members in many cities all throughout the world and I think it should be no big deal for us to join forces that way.

So here is the plan. I want to see if we can have at least one meet-up a month in your various areas. Every month I want to have at least one new person brought to the meeting (for now. though I will most certainly raise these additions over time). There are a few of you out there that I think are truly crazy (god bless you, good to have you on board) so I think to start we will keep these meetings out of personal residences so look to have it at a Bar, Club, or Restaurant. Meetings may also be no smaller than three separate parties I don’t want some Hero showing up to harass (or do whatever they do) to a member who is alone.

If you are interested in planning a gathering in your area email me at joinroach@gmail.com or find me over on that blasted Facebook. I will keep you all updated with times and places as they are organized.

The world seems to be confused as to what they should really take seriously… We’ll give them their answer.

-The Potentate

We're not going anywhere.

2009-09-21T16:21:00.001-07:00

I just want you people to know. I was going to go gently into that good night; I was perfectly happy to retire and step down.

However, recent events have conspired to keep me here; namely, certain people within the community on both sides of the cape have either

a. begged and pleaded and even threatened me in order to force my return, or

b. proved themselves incapable of leaving things alone. At this point, I'm going to throw out the obligatory "If you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right" line and add that "If you don't think I'm talking about you, you're probably wrong."

See, a long time ago, when ROACH was first formed, I realized that this was the chance I had been looking for, that chance to shine, to really stick it to The Man and whoever else got in my way. I'm an equal-opportunity villain; I'll go after you if you're a superhero, an anti-hero, or even in some cases a villain. (And by 'go after,' no, I don't literally mean going so far as to sabotage your personal life, so again, if you think I'm talking about you, well...)

I realized that as just a guy, I could do nothing. The Internet is full of angry bloggers that quickly fall by the wayside; anyone can write something and get their fifteen minutes of fame. No, what I'm after is something far greater.

I'm here to ensure the complete and utter disbanding of the Superhero community. To that end, I will go to any reasonable length to assure that goal. This does not include going after people's private lives or information. To those of you out there that send me these emails asking if I'd like to know the secret identity of so-and-so, no, I don't, and that's dangerously close to stalking, so don't include me in your little plans, capiche?

I've only been away from the game for about two weeks now, and I've seen so much activity come from both the Hero and the Villain community in the wake of my "disappearance." It seems that there are people out there who see my departure as a power vacuum, an opportunity to prove themselves worthy of the mantle, a chance to ride atop the heap with the big dogs.

I'm here to say that it simply isn't true. ROACH is, has always been, likely will be for some time, an organization of equals. That's not to say that there aren't minions; such positions are always needed. What I'm saying is, if you want to don a costume, start a blog, and call yourself a villain, then welcome to ROACH. read the group charter, obey the rules, and cause some ruckus. We're happy to have you. If you just join because you want to be part of the hip crowd, and then fade into obscurity because you forgot us at the back of the closet with your trucker hat, parachute pants, and Kanye West image mashups, you're not welcome here. We need ACTIVE members in the community, people who write, people who make clever photoshops, we need bloggers, artists, inventive movers and shakers that can take ROACH all the way to the top!

Ask yourself this; if the villain is such an unpopular character, why has it lasted for so long? The answer is simple: without a villain, the hero has no proper foil, no standard to test himself by, and no challenge in his activities. Without a villain, a hero is reduced to fighting the forces of poverty and homelessness and underaged drug use. It may make you feel better, but at the end of the day, a bright guppy could do your job.

We're here to keep you people guessing and looking over your shoulder; we're the villains, and we're not going anywhere.

Happy Citizenship Day

2009-09-16T10:25:00.001-07:00

REACHING OUT TO THE HIP HOP COMMUNITY

2009-09-14T15:52:00.001-07:00

Mr. West,

I want to extend a formal invitation for you to join our ranks. As I have witnessed today your ability to irritate the living shit out of the entire planet would serve you well within our organization. I personally have been following your work for some time and feel that your eccentricities as well as your talent, both musically and with a laser gun (as seen above), would make a fine addition to ROACH.

I also want to let you know that if you join, in the future I will personally discipline you if you apologize for your actions. You were loud, brash, rude, inappropriate and arrogant! Who would expect that kind of behavior from a network devoted to Rock and Roll and its offshoots? In a perfect world... ONLY EVERYONE!!! When Lady GaGa and Madonna make careers out of little more than getting in people's faces they are looked at as "empowered visionaries". You do it and you're a prick. Not so here.

In fact just a few minutes before your outburst that wicked old hag Madonna spent what felt like an eternity chastising the American public for questioning the motives of a bizarre hermit who in his own words said he slept with children. Hell, the host talked about drugging and raping Megan Fox! Perhaps your sin was that you sinned too small.

Maybe others would would like their innapropriate outbursts contained to the halls of congress and crucial town hall meetings, but not us at ROACH. In my youth, before the internet, we would seek out footage of FEAR ruining the set of SNL, John Lydon making talk show hosts uncomfortable and anyone who could ruin the sacchirine bullshit that was always MTV. So thank you for at least trying to continue the tradition of rock-stars not always being "by the numbers", political, facebooking tweeting twats who only rebel by getting a terrible haircut to cover their balding head (Pete Wentz, I'm looking in your direction).

Kudos Mr. West. Consider yourself invited, I await your reply.

-The Potentate.

ROACHES!!! Do not give up hope.

2009-09-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

The Skull has retired... for now, but never fear. I have not.

This is just a friendly reminder to you all that ROACH is still very much alive, and I have big plans in work for it to take it beyond these digital realms. Let me put it this way...

I am very tired of not being a cult of personality, and I lay that blame entirely on my broad, masculine and capable shoulders.

-The Potentate

2009-09-13T10:22:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I know I'm supposed to be retired, but I have to come back one more time to say this:

Let the motherfucking party begin.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog won the Emmy.

Truly, a great day for evildoers everywhere.

Greetings from Dimension Z

2009-09-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dimension 616, or as you call yourselves, "Earth."

This is The White Skull.

I'm having the time of my life in my early retirement; the waves are choice here in Dimension Z, the suns are nice and hot, and my legions of doom are taking a much-needed break with me to soak up some of the rays. It's all right; there's no danger of UV poisoning here. Well, there's plenty of other radiation to keep us paranoid, but no UV rays at least.

Hey, the Potentate subjugated this place with atomic doom-balloons. You make an omelette, you're bound to break a few ecosystems along the way.

Anyway, reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Contrary to popular belief, no, I was not arrested, no, the FBI could care less about me, as Krampus was so nice to put that libelous statement in his Myspace, and no, no pirates got to me. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to shanghai the White Fucking Skull, girls and boys.

For those of you who think I'm gone and defeated simply because I pulled some videos from Youtube and closed down a Myspace account, well... actually, how dense are you? Videos can easily be re-uploaded whenever I choose, and it's fucking Myspace. Seriously. What self-respecting villain would get in a tizzy over Myspace?

Oh, and to quell some other rumors out there, no, my head is not currently decorating anyone's wall, nor is there any plan by anyone to do so. The proper authorities have been notified and my little friend from up north has been dealt with. He's looking at a reduction in rank and pay and about eight months on a Navy shrink's couch.

Honestly, what I don't understand is why anyone in the Military, and so geographically close to me at that, would attempt such shenanigans; I used to help run the Internet café on the weekends. I still know people up there and they were more than happy to point out the guy that had been bragging about taking down a villain.

But as I said, the proper authorities have dealt with the situation, and I'd like to issue this little warning: death threats don't slide off people's backs. If you're going to be so stupid as to make a death threat, you'd better have some untraceable way of doing it, or you'd better be delivering the thing in person. Otherwise, there's about fifty ways to track you.

Every. Time.

But, enough of that; let's talk about Dimension Z! Ye gods, this place is great! The fishing is astounding! Why, just yesterday, Minion 457342-B hooked some leviathanesque brute that pulled him and his fishing reel right out of the boat! The last glimpse I saw of him was as he was being dragged screaming towards the horizon; the beast was easily 7 or so leagues long. That is going to make some fine dining when I catch it, let me tell you!

Mrs. Skull and the children are adjusting to the new beach house in grand fashion; just yesterday, Jr. shot a minion for tripping over a sand castle he was building. I was so proud! I never even realized he had stolen the laser pistol from my bedside table until he pulled it on the poor sap! That little tyke's got himself a great Oedipus complex brewing, even at the tender age of six. Why, he tried to poison me at the table this morning!

Tears of pride, people; tears of pride.

Which is actually more complicated a process than one would think, given the lack of tear ducts, eyes, connective tissue and muscle in the vicinity of my head.

Ah, well, I hear the alarm ringing and I must go; those charming natives are leading yet another war party into the compound; those mischievous scamps actually dream they can wrest control from me!

Toodle-oo for now, kiddies.

-Your old Uncle, The Sunburned Skull

Goodbye.

2009-09-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's been surreal, kiddies, but all good things must come to an end.

Goodbye, and keep up the good fight.

Well, the bad fight.

You know what I mean.

-The Artist Formerly Known as The White Skull

2009-09-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

For the sake of clarification with some people who shall remain nameless, since they can't seem to grasp any of my points, I do not get paid to do this.

At no point does any of the profits from T-shirts, pencil-toppers, coffee mugs, coloring books or feature films come my way.

I don't ask to be paid and I don't expect to be paid.

The Potentate brought the idea of monetization to the table and he pockets the earnings... and well he should. ROACH is his brain-baby, after all.

No, I don't do this for cash; I do this for the sheer merry fucking hellish glee it brings me to annoy the shit out of the RLSH community.

Hell, if I didn't have such high standards (i.e., you're just not fucking worthy of my attentions,) I might even consider this nameless twat to be my nemesis. Again, she-who-shall-remain-nameless (and likely a virgin until she walks the metaphorical plank,) isn't worthy of the position.

No, there's one person and one person only that deserves my complete and utter ire, my boundless contempt. There's only one person in the RLSH community that deserves the wicked attentions I'm going to start chucking his way soon.

I think you may know him.

After all, the dude's a fucking Legend.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and lock down the garage for the night. Wouldn't want any more tires slashed.

Tothian (For real, this time.)

2009-09-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

Following on the heels of yesterday's challenge to Master Legend (which, coincidentally I'm pretty sure will never reach him, as he's so paranoid that he blocks messages from people he doesn't know), today I'm going to talk about Tothian.

Now, here's where real-life and costumed life intersect. "But White Skull!" you say, "I thought you told us that you were going to keep your private life out of the blogs from now on!"

While I may have said that, I'm making a small concession here for Tothian.

For those of you who don't know (and I'm assuming that's a small number indeed), Tothian is a costumed vigilante with a wicked case of PTSD from his time in the service.

Yes, you, jackass.

According to Wikipedia (truly a bastion of Internet frivolity, but in this case, it's as valid a source as any you'll find, considering the subject matter),

"Tothian is a Warrior, and a real-life Superhero, who primarily operates in the New Jersey & New York City areas, but focuses on operating internationally, with a heroic mission to save the world. Understanding his mission in life from a very early age, due to his heroic heart & mindset, he trained his mind, body, & spirit to become a warrior, through martial arts, meditation, military school, joining the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve at age 17 as an Infantryman, and by studying in the ways of the warrior, samurai, ninja, & hero. Tothian uses his training by patrolling his area on a semi-nightly basis, seeking to help, protect, and/or save others. He fights the necessary evils."

That's right, guys; in addition to being a member of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children, Tothian has studied the ways of the warrior.

Patti Smith would be so proud.

Now, I know you're all waiting for me to bring my own real-life experience into it, as I said above, so here it is. I was a member of the Marine Corps myself once upon a time, before an injury forced me to fly a desk for the final eight months of my enlistment. While I wasn't an infantryman, I was a radio operator, which is just as bad, seeing as how we drive the vehicles with the GIANT FUCKING ANTENNAS ON THEM.

I, too, have PTSD, though nowhere near the neighborhood in which Tothian claims to reside. Instead of taking it upon myself to clean up the world in the manner I see fit, however, I chose the more productive path of therapy.

Seriously, Tothian, I could refer you to a few guys if you'd like. You need help.

Anyway, his "glorious" military career aside (*cough*shitbird*cough*), Tothian is a generally vicious and nasty member of the RLSH community.

Here's a typical example of the ire he directed at an innocent journalist who merely wanted to interview him to cash in on the Superhero-interviewing craze that ensued after Master Legend got in an issue of Rolling Stone.

"You insult my community, and we will send "Nostrum" after you."

and

"I do not approve of stupid fucking retarded assholes ridiculing my community. I'm sick of intellectually lazy people doing that. All it does, it make you the writer look bad, and kinda make our jobs harder. We don't have time for your crap. If you make me look like a joke on here, I will sue you, since I'm copyrighted."

Wow.

Just wow.

Oh, here's the best part; these ugly responses to people trying to interview him came after he wasn't interviewed in an earlier interview. This was his response to being ignored:

"Listen right now you son of a bitch, I'm one of the most infamous people in this fucking community. HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE ME!??!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED MAN!?!??!?! Next time you write an article about the real life Superheroes, I better see my fucking name there. GOT IT?!?!?!?! And don't even think about trying to make me look bad, because I'll sleep with your wife. I apoligize if anything I say offends you - I'm full of passion. Passion for Truth, Freedom, & Justice. That's who I am. I am Tothian. Remember my name. Fear NOTHING, 'cause Tothian's got your back!!! -Tothian"

So, by truth, freedom and justice, he means having an extramarital affair with your spouse. Ah, yes, truly he is a living paragon of superheroic behavior.

Don't worry about anyone making you look bad, Tothian; you seem to have that angle covered all by yourself.

There are worse example of his behavior, both within and outside of his community, but for time constraints, I won't publish them all here. It's not really hard to find this stuff, though. I turned all of this up with a simple Google search.

Tsk tsk, Tothian, I would hope that a warrior would know how to cover his tracks so that predators couldn't find him...

Again and again and again, Tothian blows himself up in his mind, proclaiming himself to be the president of The Heroes Network, and even going so far as to set up a rather pathetic villain's forum recently, although he did at least have the good grace to disappear and give the reigns to an actual villain.

Is anyone else seeing a trend developing here? The people that take it upon themselves to guard our streets at night are dangerous, unhinged individuals who will attack with the slightest provocation anyone that dares to utter the slightest word against them.

The people that carry improvised weapons, the people that dress up as ninjas to threaten gangs, the people who take angle grinders along with them to illegally cut off police boots from cars (which I'm sure the citizens must be happy to pay the taxes for), the people who judge humanity as if by divine right.

And you all just sit back and pay complete obeisance to them; you may feel as I do, actually, but most of the time, you're just too afraid of the reprisals to say anything.

What are you so afraid of? If the RLSH community is really the bastion of justice and peace that you all claim it is, why do you let people like this operate? Isn't it your mission to rid the streets of dangerous thugs like this? How could you have slipped so far down the ladder into complacence?

...and should a villain be telling you this?

A direct challenge to Master Legend.

2009-09-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

So, after a lot of careful examination into the issue, I'm going to issue a challenge here.

And PST, this is not a chance for you to run your mouth, so shut up for once.

This challenge goes out to Master Legend himself.

I have seen the face of my enemy, although not very clearly, because he needs a haircut.

Master Legend claims to be a voodoo practitioner, to have psychic powers due to being born with a caul over his face, to smoke a mystical stick that grants him mental powers, and claims to have been taught many forms of martial arts by mystic monks at an unnamed abbey.

He also has several weapons that he uses in his never-ending quest against crime, most notably the Legend-Cycle, which he tears around on with no regard to his own safety or the safety of others, batons, (which, while not illegal, are certainly in the shady area of legality for private citizens to possess,) and an improvised weapon that he calls The Iron Fist, a welded-together contraption that he wears over his forearm and hand. He claims that The Iron Fist is capable of punching through a wall, and is great for beating people up.

That's right; he advocates going out on patrol with improvised weapons and beating people up.

Now, I've only been to Florida once, but I wasn't aware of crime so bad that it had to be dealt with by private citizens wielding Iron Fists.

He's not shy about his exploits, either, admitting on a regular basis just how dangerous the things he does are. For instance, he very nearly landed himself in the hospital with a shattered spine; if it hadn't been for the intervention of another hero, who coincidentally took the full brunt force of the attack on his own arm, breaking it, Master Legend would now be Master Craps-in-a-bag.

Oh, and by the way, the partner in crimefighting that took the attack for Master Legend? He had to get metal pins in his hand and later, during a period of incarceration, suffered blood poisoning from having the pins in too long, blood poisoning that developed into terminal cancer for his troubles.

Hey, I don't make it up, I just report what I read on his own page.

Master Legend is a dangerous, psychotic, and unbalanced vigilante; he can go around and brag about his commendation from the city all he wants, give blood as much as he wants, but the fact remains, he's putting more people in danger than he's saving, if his wild tales are to be believed.

We here at ROACH joke about being exiled to Space Modules and taking over neighboring dimensions, but none of us are actually spaced enough to believe the stuff that we say.

It's not just Master Legend that's saying these crazy things, either; there are people out there that claim to have superpowers, people that claim they imprison rogue spirits in mountains, even people who claim that they speak to fire and banish people's souls to hell.

In all seriousness, this is what ROACH exists for, to spread public awareness that these caped crusaders are dangerous; why, even here, in our own blog, we've seen countless examples of people who can't be reasoned with, because they refuse to acknowledge anyone's viewpoint but their own.

Again, shut up, wench. You'll get your turn soon enough.

Actually, never mind. You've had more than your fair share of turns and wasted them all with pedantic, circular arguments.

ROACH exists for more than to merely harass the cape-wearing community; we exist to spread the word that there are some seriously bugshit individuals out there who belong in a mental institution rather than out on the streets.

Not to be cliché, but in this community, who does watch the watchmen? Who decides what it takes to be a hero? I've got to hand it to Zetaman, he may wear a goofy costume, but at least he stands up and tells people that he's not a superhero; he's a costumed activist.

And he's right; superheroism is a fine goal to ascribe to, but to label oneself as a superhero is the height of hubris. It is not the self that gives place, it is the people around oneself that gives the hero his title.

If there is any one person that is a clear example of what is wrong with this community, it's Master Legend. He represents everything that is wrong with the RLSH community; he represents that black eye, that bruised heel, that member of the family that is kept hidden in the cellar when company comes calling.

In a word, Master Legend, you are a disgrace, and I invite you to hang up your mask before you truly hurt someone.

I invite, nay, encourage comments on this post; let's get a real discourse going here that isn't just PST shooting her mouth off for thirty solid comments. I want to here from YOU, community! Chime in, open your mouths, let us know what you think!

And yes, PST, I used the word 'us' there, since the Potentate very clearly outlined my place in his previous post.

Comment! ROACH commands it!

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWSLETTER

2009-09-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings ROACHES. My mission to Dimension Z was a success. I was able to develop good relations with Aadlers (native ruling species of D-Z) which allowed me to install a Sub-static Particle Relay Station. This, in conjunction with our successful implementation of the Wireless Energy Bridge (WEB), a proper wireless energy system based on the work of Tesla (Thank you Dr. Nikolai for assistance with understanding Tesla's original patents), is now powering all of our global bases, silos, and vehicles without any connection to an earthly grid. All our power is clean and coming from Dimension Z. How they get their power is another story for another time.

Now, a bit of business. I want to remind all of you, large and small that I am the supreme leader and ruler of ROACH. As I am a busy man I don't often have the time, nor inclination to troll my own website. The White Skull, and others have been given the responsibility to handle the daily goings on of the blog and admission administration. If he bothers you... tough shit, he gets the job done.

Now, a bit of good news, other news. Thanks to The White Skull's help in processing new members, I have been updating our profile page with new profile of our villainous members, and more to come. I apologize to any members who did not receive a prompt reply from yours truly. While the power in D-Z is amazing, the wireless connection blows. So, go check out our updated PROFILE PAGE.

The "other news" regarding profiles is this. ROACH ISN'T A DAMN SOCIAL CLUB!!! Membership requires effort! You don't get to just send in a photo and have it sit their on our site for all to admire and do nothing! So from this point forth, I want results!!! I want to see videos, stories, photos, tales of your exploits, propaganda, a new Music for Mayhem, whatever you can do, have done, or will do to advance our crusades against the RLSHs and our inevitable Global Domination. If no effort is shown, your profile will be removed from our pages. You will remain a lifelong member as we have placed tiny explosive chips in a ventricle in your heart which will explode if you decide to quit or leave, but you will not get the pleasure of basking in the glory of our pages for all the world to see. If removed any simple action on your part will have you reinstated.

Finally, the French Journalist Aude Favre whom I have talked with over the phone and who has the most adorable accent ever is still looking for villains to interview. She still will be in NYC, but has just informed me that she will also have a team in the City of Angels L.A. as well. So if you are in the North East, or South West and are interested in showing off the glory of ROACH, please let me know.

FOR THE GLORY OF ROACH!!!

-The Potentate

ROACH: Hitler Approved!

2009-08-31T18:23:00.001-07:00

ROACH: Downfall

Since Youtube's being a whiny brat and jacking up Blogger's formatting...

MISSION: TOMFOOLERY

2009-08-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

Earlier, as I was looking at the blog whilst sitting in the backseat of my Vintage Bentley Limousine, I happened to glance out of my Bulletproof and EM Pulse resistant tinted windows and I passed a local Pilates studio. I looked back down at my viewscreen at Skull's chart on Gypsies and Pirates, and a tiny burst of inspiration hit me.

Now I would never advocate petty and permanent vandalism, we are above that, but don't you feel that even temporarily the world would benefit from more Pirates Studios than Pilates Studios? Show me what you can do ROACH.

-The Potentate

And knowing is half the battle.

2009-08-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

-Love, The White Skull

Great good news, evildoers!

2009-08-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

The White Skull is going to be featured on a RLSV (Real-life Supervillain) podcast tonight, (8pm pst/11pm est) which can be found at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/rlsv

Tune in to hear tonight! Lend ROACH your ears!

-The White Skull

Disclaimer: ROACH is not legally responsible for any permanent loss of hearing upon transfer of ear ownership.

Another day, another so-called Hero disgraces himself...

2009-08-28T09:55:00.001-07:00

So, as the Voice of ROACH, part of my job is to reach out evil tendrils to other villainous organizations and media outlets to get the big picture of what's going on.

Well, there are a few villain talk shows on the Internet, believe it or not, and though I won't reveal my sources, I will say this:

Tothian, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, you.

"Bitches don't know 'bout my Tabasco Sauce!"

~~Last Sunday~~ ~~Recently~~ Once upon a time, Tothian called in to one of these Internet radio shows, telling the hosts that he was bored and looking for something to pass the time with. He then said he had a bright idea, and he could be heard rummaging around in his refrigerator in the background looking for something.

He returned to the phone with a bottle of Tabasco sauce and informed the entire listening audience that he was going to up-end its contents over Little Tothian and then pleasure himself whilst covered in the spicy brew.

That's right; he was going to give himself The Spicy Meatball on live radio.

And then he did.

"Show us on the action figure where he touched you."

I've got to say, Tothian's a bit of a pain freak; one need only look at this video from his Youtube channel, which he claims in the comments was performed without the aid of a cup.

Seriously, dude, what the fuck.

That's right, folks. Tothian not only runs around rooftops without even the common sense to wear a mask, but he also enjoys severely punishing his wang at every chance.

Oh, well; it's not as if he's hurting the gene pool.

Shine on, you crazy diamond, you.

-The White Skull

The White Skull is not a real doctor, though he plays one on TV... though he's pretty sure you're not supposed to let people kick you in the dick and then pour tabasco sauce over it afterward. Seriously, man, seek help.

Damn it all!

2009-08-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

So, this morning, I awoke early for work in the lab and discovered that I had gained a flat tire on my doom-mobile at some point in the night.

After reviewing the security feeds from the past ten hours, I finally found the cause:

Master Legend had appeared in a blinding flash of light (I firmly believe that he had stolen a spatial manipulator array from some poor supervillain he had bested,) and had then proceeded to slash my tire with an oversized novelty Katana while rocking out to Whitesnake on his boombox. After he finished he chugged an entire six-pack of Coors and smashed every can against his forehead, kicking the empties under my car.

He then fired up his array and disappeared in another flash of light, only to reappear in the neighbor's driveway (still in the range of my cameras) and defecate all over their cat before disappearing for good.

You win this round , Master Legend, but I shall have my terrible vengeance! No one slashes my tires, blasts Whitesnake, litters my driveway with crushed beer cans and then poos on a cat in my neighborhood and gets away with it!

No one!

-The White Skull

Not to step all over The Potentate's most recent post...

2009-08-25T12:53:00.001-07:00

He posted a blog entry before me; if you're late to the party, please read it first. I can wait.

No, seriously, shoo. I'll just be here in my comfortable rocker.

Finished? Excellent.

Now, on to some news.

ROACH, as always, is looking to push forward into bright and shiny new territory, with new features, new members, and new evil plans for global domination.

One of the many changes being implemented is a slight shift in the way that member profiles are processed. Specifically, your old pal Skully has been added as an official member processor; if you wanted to join before and never got a response from our busy team of processors, then now is your chance to step up, re-submit your applications, and get your name added to ROACH's ever-growing ranks of minions, evil-doers, and bad pennies.

Simply send me your application at TheWhiteSkull@Yahoo.com and I'll look it over to add you to the ranks just as quickly as possible.

Remember, we can't spell "Villainous" without "U."

... pardon me, I've just been informed that if I make any more horrendous puns like that I will be summarily executed.

Anyway, on to other business. One of our most vocal contributors, Lord Malignance, has drafted a credo for we villains to live by. After reviewing it several times, I've decided (with his express permission, of course,) to re-post it here. The credo is as follows:

"Villain's Oath

We are the Villains.

A response to the heroes, a challenge to their desires. They are weak, fractious, and ineffectual.

Flawed.

We are imaginative, collaborative, daring, and driven by our need to bend the world to our purpose.

Free of their weakness.

This is the time. Ours is the will.

We will RULE.

Villain Standards

1) The Law: We hold ourselves to a high standard. We will not break laws, bring harm to others or incite others to do so.

2) Respect: Villains will show respect to each other, and expect that same respect in turn.

3) Comportment and Courtesy: Villains are not crude brawlers. We are cultured, educated, talented, and refined. We will strive to maintain our composure, and demonstrate courtesy to any villain, as we would expect the same in fashion returned to us.

4) Resolve: By the power of your will, to bend the world to your vision.

5) Industry: Strive to find, seek to break, the Superhero, that they may become stronger for the challenge.

6) Individuality and Style: Villains have a fine tradition to call upon. However, we are all free to make of ourselves what we will. Do not copy the work of others. Be the Villain you were meant to be.

7) Speak only for yourself, and for no others, unless you have been designated to do so. What you create is yours, what you share belongs to all.

8) Minions, Henchmen, and your Lair: You are responsible to discipline those who work for you. Don't let a bad apple bring down the greater work your organization does.

9) Humor: Keep in mind the Big Picture. If you aren't having fun, or making others miserable, it may be time to take a step back. When that happens, your peers, or even your sworn adversaries can assist you in understanding.

10) Listen to your colleagues, and learn from them: We grow by amassing knowledge. "

Excellent points all around, Lord Malignance; this is true, well-planned words that we should all aspire to live by.

That's all I have for you now, but stand by for more news as it develops.

As if you had a choice.

-The White Skull

Like Bringing a Sai to a Gun Fight.

2009-08-25T09:25:00.001-07:00

Not sure what these guys' end game was but it really illustrates my legitimate frustration with real world Super Heroes.

You see global domination aside, my grassroots goal is to keep these menaces from hurting themselves and others. I'm not sure how these boys think drug dealers work, but I'm guessing it isn't that they all stand in a circle and attack one at a time until the "good guys" win. More than likely they would've have shot them. Repeatedly.

I'd also like to point how where they mention that vigilantism is a crime. Which makes you "heroes" the criminals. I'm all for removing dangerous undesirables from the streets of our world, but if only there was a way to do it in a safer uniform way, by receiving proper training and equipment and working within an established framework of justice. Oh right, they're called police and we have them already, thanks.

-The Potentate

p.s. Last time I checked, Ninjas were just assassins for hire. If that isn't a villain I don't know what is.

#50

2009-08-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a turbulent 50 posts. The heroes have taken notice and have done a little to try and disrupt us but you villains, you ROACHes, you have stood your ground. I know I've been often silent, but I promise you, I am paying attention.

Now, I have plans for what lies down the road but neither I, nor you can do much without the proper inspiration. So, as a gift to memorialize this proud Post #50, I present to you 40 minutes of villainous inspiration by way of a mixtape (mp3). Lovingly selected from my personal collection of evil LP's, and put together with little more than two turntables and a stereo plug this is raw noise guaranteed to put you in the mood for mayhem and to have the RLSHs quivering in their spandex. There are no mp3s here, no ScratchLive, no graphic equalizer, no running through filters, this is how it was, and always shall be done, even if it means you're going to have to sit through the poorest quality version of "Human Torch" you'll ever hear, and why picture discs are good for little more than wall art (Murderface, I'm looking at you).

Just think about it, what have the heroes given the world aside from comedy? I'm giving you entertainment and inspiration, and love.

So put this on your Sansa, or burn it to a disc, or to a cassette, throw it in your car and head out on the town for a night of rampage that the world will never forget!!! Goodnight, you Princes (and Princesses) of maim.

ROACH: The Potentate presents...
MUSIC FOR MAKING MAYHEM

Yours Truly,
The Potentate.

p.s. I'll forgo official news and information for now to continue with the celebratory mood.
p.p.s. A special ROACH "No Prize" to whoever correctly gets the track-listing. (it's not that hard)

Coming up on magic Number 50

2009-08-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. It's been a great couple of months, with some real fireworks tossed back and forth, and here I am taking up an entire blog entry just to talk about the next blog entry.

That's right, this is officially blog # 49, which means that the next entry will be somewhat special. If someone told me three months ago that ROACH would be around today, I'd have shot a minion and shouted "But of COURSE we'll still be around in three months, you fool!" and then escaped to my secret volcano laboratory via doom-balloon... but seriously, we're still here. We've hung on through craziness and silliness and threats and FBI involvement and French reporters and even a few genuine moments that make us all step back and examine our roles in this crazy mixed up world.

We've all learned lessons about ourselves and about each other, and we've all grown (well, most of us have grown; Superslum seems to have dried up and blown away.)

... And through it all, I hope that we've made people laugh, most of all. Sure, there are long, drawn-out comments asking us time and again to examine ourselves (not pointing any fingers here, of course, but you know who you are, and there's more than one of you so don't think I'm picking on you specifically,) and there have been some great moments of meta-humor, as little things said in earlier posts have come back on us in strange ways. For instance, who would've guessed that the Aluminum Chef would ACTUALLY appear after someone mentioned his name?

Blog entry # 50 should be something special, something out of the ordinary, something... well, something not penned by me, as much as I'm the (very large) mouth of ROACH.

Therefore, until the Potentate returns from Dimension Z, there shall be no more blog entries in the Diary of Doom; One ROACH to Rule Them All shall be taking a break to allow our true leader to rally the troops, the minions, and the mad bombers what bomb at midnight.

I invite you all, hero and villain alike, to come back then and glory in the maniacal madness that only The Potentate is capable of; until then, this is your most faithful of villains, that boneheaded loudmouth himself, The White Skull, signing off.

Take care, everyone, and have fun; remember, that's what we're truly here to do.

If you want to reach me in the meantime, send me an email at TheWhiteSkull@Yahoo.com I'll have my prosthetic ears on just in case.

-The White Skull

2009-08-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to talk about something that happened last night.

Now, obviously, you all should be able to tell I'm not exactly "right-wing," but I do try to keep politics out of my agenda as much as possible.

Anyway, last night Mrs. Skull received a few free tickets to a concert hosted by Sean Hannity

and featuring several special guests, including Col. Oliver North (who, despite his politics, remains one of my personal heroes) and Jim Caviezel. So, I disguised myself in boots, jeans, a blue plaid shirt and a ten-gallon hat to hide the fact that I've got a flippin' skull for a face, and went.

As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, we saw several charming bumper stickers on various trucks, winnebagos and hummers, such as a picture of Obama with the word "Oshit" beneath his face, several dozen Bush/Cheney stickers, and a few others such as "Allah is not MY God!" and "Republicans: Killing Gay Whales for Christ" (And trust me, I actually wish I was making that one up. My brain still hurts from trying to figure out just what the hell that even meant.)

Anyway, we made our way inside, although we were stopped and several weaponized aerosol cans of zombie gas were removed from my wife's purse (I'm so proud of her) and took our seats, after purchasing an $8 cup of cold french fries (which, when I ordered them, someone behind me in line felt necessary to correct me by loudly calling them "freedom" fries.)

I did get to see Charlie Daniels perform "Devil Went Down to Georgia" live, which was fun, although a bit ruined by the fact that Sean Hannity

sang along with it.

Anyway, finally, Col. North took the stage and made a speech about heroes, which brings me to the point of this rambling dialog.

Col. Oliver North, a true American Hero in every sense of the word, stood up and said "I'd like to talk about heroes tonight. Now, I know when I say that word a lot of you probably picture someone running around in spandex and a cape, but that's not what a hero is. A hero is a man or woman in uniform who puts their lives on the line for you night and day, protecting this nation's freedoms and our way of life... the men and women of our armed forces, past and present, are the true heroes of this nation."

Now, that both warmed my shriveled black heart as a prior military man myself, and it also gave me pause. Oliver North had just called me, directly, a hero.

That's right, boys and girls (and Pint Sized Tyrant. Everyone knows pirates are gender-neutral;) I'm a hero.

Do you understand? I AM A HERO.

There. I hope you're happy now. Now I have to go redo my entire résumé. sigh.

Yawn

2009-08-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

(File Photo from ROACH's Christmas party. Someone can't handle their eggnog.)

Giant walls of text threaten to topple upon me as I wake this morning; Krampus is in the building, ladies and gentlemen.

The gist of what I got from his two enormous responses (because, quite frankly, after reading about three paragraphs of the stuff, I just wasn't up for continuing,) is that we're cyber-bullies and lowlife thugs who somehow aren't even aware of the fact that though this is all a giant joke, we're apparently serious about it. Yeah. Try figuring that one out before your morning wheatabix.

I have no particular hate of Krampus per sé, but he does seem to hold himself in a much higher regard than I think he actually warrants. Krampus, no one takes you seriously. Do you want to know why no one takes you seriously? Because

a. You talk far too much. If you can't say what it is you need to say quickly and efficiently without chasing rabbits endlessly, don't speak at all.

b. You're racist. We don't tolerate that around here. You may attempt to rebut me by saying the same thing you said on your own blog, but the facts are, I'm Irish, and if I were to call myself a potato-eating Mick I'd be just as guilty of racism as you yourself are. You know what I'm talking about, so don't feign ignorance.

c. You seem to be some sort of extra in a film about Santa Klaus and you've used that to create an entire persona for yourself based around ancient germanic legend that no one actually cares about outside of whoever is involved in the making of this film.

d. Again, you talk too much. I myself talk a lot, but seriously man, take a breath once in a while.

Oh, and I'll say it one final time. (Although I know that it'll never end; it never does.) We are NOT an actual legitimate organization of evildoers. ROACH is a purely satirical organization, as clearly outlined on our main web page. If your logic behind your argument is that we threatened to blow something up or some other sort of violence, then you should go and bug Roland Emmerich for a while. That guy's melted the entire damn world about seventeen times.

-The White Skull

Krampus

2009-08-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

I don't normally "bump" other blogs here, but Krampus has recently spotlighted himself, and, dutiful information gatherer that I am, I followed him over to his own blog.

My, my, my. First of all, congratulations, sir; your mastery of the english tongue, though peppered with crudities at times, is quite impressive.

Secondly, I've got to thank you. I had no clue who it was that contacted the SDPD during the Convention, but you actually helped my cause a bit. The added security kept the Convention-goers in line wonderfully.

I'd like to address your "what-if" scenarios from your blog, if I may. (And I'm going to, whether or not I actually may.)

First, you talked about The Potentate's joke about releasing Zombie-Gas on the Convention Center, and then in later paragraphs you likened the joke to such things as:

"...I do see the laughable point the group attempted to make. The origins were paved with the gold of good intentions and ridiculous packaging. Witness to injustices by supposed heroes. Wannabes. So they lash out verbally, something I respect. Hell, I even encourage it. But joke and intent or not, it was my perception that lines were crossed. Other examples of such stupidity could be:

Pulling out a machete and saying, "I'm gonna cut your fat ass open and see if any guts fall out! Ha ha, just kidding!"

Children getting a phone call from an 'officer'."Sorry kids, your parents died in a car accident. I'm holding your dad's head in a bag in my hands right now...mmmphh (snicker) Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!"

How about going into a theater opening night of GI Joe, lighting some smoke bombs and yelling "FIRE!!!! HAHAHAHA, you've been punked!!"

...And the list goes on and on. I'd like to point out again, however, that The Potentate was clearly making a joke. Yes, in this post 9/11 culture, such jokes are in bad taste, but really, if that was your whole point, that we live in a post 9/11 culture, then I'd like to invite you to visit our gift shop on the way out, because we simply don't care about such arguments in this case. It was a joke. A JOKE. There. Now you've forced me to resort to Caps Lock, and that's just not cool.

Were someone to crawl atop the Convention Center to drop a poison capsule into an air vent, they'd quickly learn that the Con security don't muck about; the SDPD has both a visible and an invisible presence at such events, and, in a post 9/11 culture (as you are so fond of pointing out,) such risks are simply not tolerated and are quickly put down with suppressing fire of a larger caliber from an adjacent building... all while about fifty or sixty professional news organizations, not to mention the Convention Center's own security cameras, and an innumerable variety of private cell phone cameras and hand-held camcorders track this bullet-riddled buffoon's plummeting descent to the concrete.

To sum up, we are not stupid... and The Potentate wouldn't be stupid enough to attempt something like that himself anyway.

That's what we have minions for, after all.

-The White Skull

Groupies

2009-08-04T13:38:00.001-07:00

How in the hell does that even begin to make sense?

I can understand that, as villains, we must inevitably bring attention on ourselves. I mean, we are living in the information age, where everyone can be an Internet celebrity through Myspace, Youtube, Twitter, and God knows how many other ways.

If fame comes to us, then I can only say we must be doing our job right. I'm not in this for the fame, but now that we've gotten ourselves a bit of attention, we have to learn to deal with it properly.

Having said that, I have to admit my confusion. Somehow, some way, I seem to have picked up a groupie. This person adores me, worships the ground I walk on, and is even telling me that there will likely be a tattoo impressed upon their skin at some point in the future, a tattoo of my name and a skull.

I'm more than a little freaked out by this, but there is always that part of me that wants to just laugh and let this stupid person go ahead and permanently disfigure themselves in my name.

You may have noticed that I'm not revealing any details about this person, their age, race, gender, or location. That's because, frankly, it could just as easily be a trap and I'm not encouraging this situation one way or the other.

-The White Skull

A little note on proper villainy.

2009-07-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

We here at ROACH pride ourselves on the fact that we're above common thugs. Sure, common thugs have their place, and it's fun to pit them against each other and watch them kill each other off, but ROACH has higher standards than your average henchman.

I'd like to take a moment to address member and potential member conduct.

Anyone can produce a hate-fueled challenge full of colorful four-letter words and trite ranting, but if you do, you fall into the category of thug, or henchmen. You're not even eligible for minion status acting like that.

If you're going to become a villain, or if you're already a villain, (and by that, I mean, of course, a member of ROACH,) you'd darn well better figure out just what the heck it is that drives you to be a villain in the first place. Running around trying to destroy the world just because mommy didn't love you and daddy loved you too much after getting into his liquor cabinet isn't a proper reason to become a villain. If that's your entire agenda, I suggest you take it up with your personal therapist.

If, however, you're serious about the injustices in the world and feel that these costumed heroes are just a symptom of the larger problem and would like to reshape the world to fit your desires, and you can actually express this in plain, easy to understand language, welcome aboard; we'd love to have you.

...one more thing. Don't you dare cop an attitude if any of this describes you and you think we're being unfair. Like any other organization, we have standards, and if you don't meet those standards, all the crying and angry commenting in the world isn't going to get you in. We have to protect ourselves from the nutjobs just like anyone else.

I understand the RLSH has had problems with just such individuals like these; a certain rabbit-themed individual and a legendary helmeted figure spring to mind.

Maybe you guys would like a few pointers on how to deal with the undesirables in your own heroic organization; after all, what better person to tell you how to deal with a pest than a ROACH?

-The White Skull

My, my, my... Busy city tonight.

2009-07-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

Well, boys and girls, the Con is in full swing; heroes and villains alike are mingling among the crowded aisles of my (horribly carpeted) convention center, filling their brains to overflowing with pure unadulterated geeky awesomeness.

I'm taking the night off, myself; perhaps you'll see me downtown somewhere, perhaps not.

Tomorrow, though, I'm definitely going to be downtown, so if you feel like saying "hello" if you see me, feel free. Just be nice and don't get a herd of your buddies to trample me into gooey paste. That's plain bad form, that is.

I've got to say, the Con always puts me in a fantastic mood, although in recent years it's grown a bit too commercial for my tastes, if that makes any sense.

Perhaps next year they'll finally agree to let it spill out into the Embarcadero so they can sell more tickets.

Play nice, children, and if you're on a sidewalk waiting for a midnight panel, make sure you bundle up. It's the middle of Summer, but it still gets a bit nippy at night right on the water.

If anyone wants to meet up tomorrow, drop me a line.

Email the Skull!

Take care and enjoy the Con!

-The White Skull

A letter to the ROACHes.

2009-07-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Listen up, minions, I've been receiving quite a few emails and myspace messages from you all.

I'm going to say this, and you are going to listen. In the absence of The Potentate and Plague, (who are both currently busy taking over Dimension Z) I speak for ROACH.

You are NOT, I repeat, NOT to take physical action against any RLSH. By RLSH, I'm referring to the general group of costumed do-gooders, not any specific subset. You are not to attempt to attack any Real Life Hero. Verbal abuse over the Internet is one thing, but physical violence is an entirely different ballgame. As ROACH's website clearly states, if you wish to actually harm someone, you'd better go somewhere else, because we're not advocating that and that's the quickest way to earn yourself an expulsion.

Furthermore, I am NOT the head of ROACH. The Potentate is the head of ROACH; he's a busy villain, I know, but emailing me fifty times a day isn't going to get your membership request processed any faster. Neither will threats on my life. Neither will sending me naked pictures of yourself. (although, thank you. I'm flattered.) Neither will promising money or threatening to expose the organization or threatening to call the cops on me or any of the other many, many, many things I've read over the past few weeks.

I appreciate your interest in the organization, but you have to let things run their proper course. We're nothing if not well-organized. We believe effective filing is one of the cornerstones of a well-run villainous organization.

Alsø Alsø, (and this one goes out to heroes, villains, and mad bombers what bomb at midnight,

do you people realize that with every little comment you make, every angry diatribe against

the organization, every personal attack and wish for us to just dry up and blow away,
that you're actually helping us? I'm not sure if you realize how the Blogger system works, but with each comment you leave, you put us higher in search relevance for Google.

Bravo and thank you.

A Letter to Superslum

2009-07-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hi there, Superslum.

You've been a busy boy, haven't you? Making Blogger accounts, leaving angry little emails and comments all over the place.

My, my, my. It seems someone wants some personal attention.

After failing to grasp even the simplest of concepts, i.e., that no one was planning on ruining anyone else's Comic-Con experience, (hey, we may be evil, but we're also nerds, and Comic-Con is fucking Mecca to us) even though I reiterated it to you again and again in the most simplistic terms possible, you've now settled on calling me out for being "full of shit" and making threats, "If you try to steal my cart, id kick your ass." (seriously, learn how to use apostrophes, and do let's try and keep it all in one tense.)

To address your comment, no, I am most decidedly not full of shit. I actually did appropriate that woman's cart for myself. Why on Earth would I lie about something like that? If I were to say, I'm going hunt down Mr. Xtreme and kick the living daylights out of him, sure, you could call baloney on that, because no one is advocating violence against anyone else. Hijinks and shenanigans, sure, but actual violence, no.

If I were to say that I was going to get a high-powered laser and slice the moon in half in honor of the 40th anniversary of the faked moon landing, you could obviously call me on that as soon as you woke up tomorrow and saw that the moon still rode high in the sky.

Those things go without saying.

However, I'm quite honestly admitting to grabbing a cart that did not belong to me. That's actually quite villainous in its own right; suppose someone came along after me and stole her pocketbook from where I dumped it? Why, I wouldn't have committed that crime (petty theft is quite below me) but I might as well have, as by dumping her purse I acted as the facilitator for a purse snatcher to grab it.

However, I can assure you, no such snatchery occurred. The Target was fairly empty, as it was close to closing time on a Sunday night.

What is so hard to believe about me dumping her cart and then taking it to do my own shopping? You know, not everybody on the Internet is a liar; only most of us.

Oh, and another thing; making threats can, apparently, land you in trouble.

Hey, PintSizedTyrant, you want to bitch Superslum out for a few days on making threats to people? I'm sure you have just the right thing to say on the matter.

This is the White Skull, saying, stay the hell out of my city and stop crowding up my parking lots.

A bit of old-fashioned villainy.

2009-07-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, after last week's silliness, I decided to get back into the swing of things by doing some low-level, general purpose villainy.

I went to my local Target tonight, because I am a cheapskate and because I needed a skullcap (oh, the irony,) for my waterobics class (because even villains need to stay in shape.)

Upon entering the store, I realized that I was out of bottled water. I drink bottled water because I enjoy driving past recycling centers and laughing at the people there trying to save the planet.

Anyway, I realized I needed bottled water, and I really didn't feel like walking back to the front of the store to get a cart. I spotted a cart in the center aisle and approached it. There was a woman who clearly belonged to the cart, looking at purses. While her back was turned, I calmly walked past her, hooking the front of her cart with my finger as I did, and made off with her cart. I dumped her shopping items two aisles over and then returned to my shopping.

Tremble, world; I steal your shopping carts when you're not looking!

-The White Skull

The San Diego Comic-Con

2009-07-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal, Real-Life heroes. The Comic-Con is coming up in about a week and a half. This is my city and I've sworn to protect it from you idiots and your meddling. I know that because of what happened over the last few days, you people are all going to be up in arms, and I also know that quite a few of you will be attending the Con.

I don't care that you'll be there. Hell, I encourage it. California's economy could certainly use the added tourist stimulus right about now. However, I promise you that I'm going to be there to ensure that none of you tries to take advantage of the event to throw the spotlight on your little organization. You want to do that, shell out and get a booth. I know quite a few of you are shameless glory hounds and I'm simply not going to have it in my city. Also, if you start shit in my city, be prepared for what comes next. You are guests here. You are not resident superheroes and you are not to be acting as such while you're here.

If you follow those few basic ground rules, I think the Con can be an enjoyable experience for everyone.
While you're in my city, you will comport yourself in the highest manner befitting a Hero. Smile, laugh, shake hands, kiss babies, and pose for photos. Don't use the event as a platform to try and get some sort of superheroic jolly off. Trust me, my city is beautiful and wonderful, but it will eat you alive if I don't get you first.

Behave yourselves while you're guests in my city, boys and girls. That is the first and only warning you get.

-The White Skull

SUPPORT our SUPPORTERS

2009-07-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Attention ROACHES near BabelCon, go see ROACH affiliates The Consortium of Genius perform this weekend!!!

ROACH Radio Spot

2009-07-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

Here is a new ROACH radio spot, chock full of testimonials to recruit fence-sitting villains. Though why anyone would want these terminally-indecisive nebbishes on the team is a mystery to me; I simply follow the dictates of the Potentate.

I have no idea how to put an audio clip in here, so I am linking to a cross post of this same clip.

Come back here to drop your villainous comments, though, if you please.

Ia, Ia, ROACH ftahn!

I NOW REVEAL MY ONE WEAKNESS

2009-07-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

Alright you rambling do-gooders, here you go. I spent this evening drinking hearty margaritas (the weakness) at a nearby Mexican Restaurant with friends and was wondering how to put an end to all this mishegas.

As I went to the bathroom and passed the wall of photos of guests to the restaurant I noticed this photo, and between the tequila and my occasional waves of goodwill, my heart leaned towards the favor of you heroes. Despite your overt rudeness to us (Tyrant aside) and your attention grabbing verbosity I'm willing to show mercy and benevolence. Looking at this photo of Thing and his son Little Thing I saw how adorable, innocent, and harmless a family in costume can be and it made me pause. And I realized that I got into this to stop the RLSHs from going too far in their vigilantism before they hurt themselves or someone else (and to point out their silly outfits and actions), not to slander someone you all say does only good. HOWEVER! In my defense, I never said DC's Guardian was a pedophile, so I'm reluctant to apologize for words you put in my mouth based on a Simpsons reference. Therefore I will give you a choice.

I will either offer an official apology (for something that was only marginally implied, and if we are going off of implication then you all have a lot to answer for as well including threats against me and my family, which reach far beyond slander.)

OR, I will remove the offending post.

The ball is in your court. Answer in a one word reply, no diatribes - apologize, or remove. Whatever has the most replies by 10:30 tomorrow (July 1tth) morning will get done.

ROACH members, stay out of this comment thread.

This is my gift to you heroes. GOD DAMN YOU MARGIE RITA, you always get the best of me!

And in the future, if you have an issue with what is happening here, I don't make it difficult to contact me. Email me please, because perhaps you all troll through the comment threads of 2 month old posts, but I don't.

-The Potentate

DEAR MOONKNIGHT

2009-07-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Mr. Moonknight, I'll address your concerns here once, but then I will have to call it a day. Sadly in such an economy even an organization as powerful as ROACH has had to trim back on such luxuries as troll food. I'll pick what points I can from your ramshackle ramblings. Your slights against my abilities with satire would sting more if you understood the basic tenant that brevity is the soul of wit (as you are about to not see, and as I often let slide, White Skull ahem).

A: You whinge about me being stupid, ignorant, intelligent (thank you), arrogant, short sighted, brash, crass and slanderous. I'll add hubristic to that and point out that I'M A GOD DAMNED SUPER-VILLAIN!!

B: This brings me to another main point of ROACH, how can these people call themselves Superheroes, if they have no one on the other end being Super-Villains. Otherwise, they're at best... Mild Heroes

C: "Satire - the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc..."
Seems like that's exactly what I did.

D: My tee shirts are actually quite high quality, soft American Apparel shirts with 2 color discharge printing on the front and one color discharge on the back which allows for rich color on a dark shirt without the heavy ink texture that would come with plasicol. You should get one.

5: You claim that somehow I suck at what I'm doing here. Well to be perfectly transparent, the ROACH site, and now the blog were created by me as a testing ground for creating an alternate reality experience for people and as a calling card for places where I may try and get work. I'm trying to create a Super-Villain organization just like the ones you would see in the movies or comics, complete with a fatally arrogant leader who's goals and desires may be beyond the reach of his intelligence. Seems to me that since everyone else involved is having fun, and there are a handful of people (you) taking it absolutely seriously, I'm actually quite successful in what I attempted and any agency or company would be glad to have someone with the know-how in design, motion graphics, coding, and general creative ability to hand them an experience as rich as this. Which brings me to my close.

6: The main reason I'm even bothering with you is because you took this beyond the realm of fiction and fantasy and called out, the real me. When I slander, libel, pick on, and insult someone like DC's Guardian and his ward or Shadowhare I am picking on fictional characters. And they are fictional whether they like it or not. They are alter egos, the same as say Bruno, or to a less successful degree, The Potentate. Had I found out DC's true identity and said "Hey ROACH, this is Joe and his daughter Jane Smith, he is a (insert profession here) and a pedophile and his daugher is an asshole." I didn't. I picked on a fictional character, the man who plays DC's Guardian can still go about his business unharmed. Much like how you could come on here and say The Potentate is a dick, fag, pederast, asshole, motherfucker, shit-heel, or whatever until the cows come home and I'll play along with whatever brash response. You ask me if that sort of slander is something I would want to see in the paper? Sure, that's why I'm a villain. Would I want to see my family involved in this in that same paper article? No. THAT'S WHY I DON'T PUT PICTURES OF MY FAMILY ON THIS SITE!!!! (actually I do, but not my children)
And if I were to get the real identity of DC's Guardian, and if he is in fact having issues with custody I would say with the greatest of kindness. Perhaps you should spend time with your child out of costume no matter how noble your intentions might be.

But, you decided to say to the world, this is Paul Hogan, this is what he does, and I am going to harm him by keeping him from getting work, and ultimately this will harm his family, and then made veiled physical threats. That sir, is far more evil than anything I have done.
(takes a breath)

Which is why I want to offer you a position with ROACH! You have clearly done this as a ploy of ultimate nefariousness and I am impressed. Here I sit saying... My word this young man, or woman, is REALLY GETTING MY GOAT! And it hit me!
What a talent!
What a scourge!
And he has the drive!
My hat's off to you! And your comment about shitty weather and clam chowder has me thinking that you may even live in my fair city, so we could work hand in hand if you man up and come out from behind your alter ego and email me. Though, if I have one sticking point, I'll have to dock you for a slight lack of creativity as you stole your namesake from an existing Marvel character. So if you'd be so honored,

I DUB THEE... The ANGLER, who distracts his prey with a shiny object and then devours them with his big mouth.

Welcome to ROACH, I am proud to call you one of my own.

-The Potentate

YOU STAY GASSY SAN DIEGO!!!

2009-07-16T14:01:00.001-07:00

Your fearless leader, The Potentate himself, will be lurking around the despicable den of heroes both real and fictional, THE SAN DIEGO COMIC BOOK CONVENTION, doing reconnaissance and a bit of supreme villainy.
I need to stay on top of the goings on of these sad fools and where better to see what is happening than the premier event of the medium from which they derive their inspiration. I am also going to use this gathering of Heroes and Hero fans alike to test out my new poison gas "Z-28", which if all goes according to plan will turn the San Diego Convention Center and the area around it into a death trap full of non communicable zombies. I'm not ready for a full on zombie attack, so they may eat you, but you won't turn into one from a little bite. Breathe in the gas however, and you're fucked.
My art department drew up this little concept art of what Sunday's and Monday's newspaper and magazine covers should look like.

So look for me, The Potentate, on Friday and possibly part of Saturday. I'll be the one in the ROACH shirt. If I'm the only one in a ROACH shirt then I'll be easier to find, if there are a bunch of people in ROACH shirts, then I can only say OUTSTANDING!!! Chances are I'll be lurking around the Kid-Robot booth, defacing the SyFy display, tracking any RLSHs, and most likely near any major air duct intake.

FOR THE GLORY OF ROACH!!!

-The Potentate

Placating words are for sissies.

2009-07-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

You want a war? Really?

DC's GUARDIAN

2009-07-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

There has been some recent discussion about my comments on DC's Guardian and his ward. I would like to point out that if that is indeed DC's Guardian's daughter then it only bolsters my point in the dangers of Real Life Super Heroism. What is more dangerous, picking on a man in a mask as I have done, or dragging a minor, their child, into the public spotlight and posting pictures of her online (on mySpace no less) in the name of "heroics". Soldiers are heroes, so should we start sending middle schoolers to Afghanistan?

The RLSH's inability to distinguish fantasy and reality is why I started ROACH. Shadowhare admited to having his ass handed to him as he tried to help someone, this guy is putting pics of little kids in costumes on his website and the defenders of the heroes say all is fine because they do it in the name of Heroics. How far down does this go before one of these "heroes" hurts themselves or someone else? This is why they must be stopped.

As a side note... don't forget to buy a tee shirt!!! Smalls make a great gift for your son or daughter!

-The Potentate

WHICH IS SLANDER AGAIN?

2009-07-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Is it making fun of more or less fictional characters in masks or making claims against an actual person. Very well, I'll heed your pathetic cry for attention. Everyone in ROACH, please go give this poor soul all the attention he so richly desires.

Here is his blog http://moonknightsrevenge.blogspot.com/

Since I am a "tee shirt selling windbag" I will be a Tee Shirt Giving windbag and will send a ROACH tee to the first person who can correctly find out this person's information. And a special howdy-do to anyone who can find a photo.

Oh and bravo MoonknightsRevenge for tracking down the Secret Identity of a known contributor to a website where ROACH was created, Kudos to you. While you're at it why don't you contact Homeland Security and let them know about my orbiting Satellite Death Ray.

-The Potentate

Greetings from The White Skull.

2009-07-15T10:07:00.001-07:00

Greetings, fellow ROACHes. This is The White Skull. The Potentate, in his infinite wisdom, has chosen to allow me to contribute to this electronic newsletter... and today, I'd like to talk to you about heroes and power.

Traditionally, heroes in stories are always the handsome, rugged types; though the description has evolved over the years, the paradigm remains much the same.

One has only to look at such figures as Superman or Captain America in the comic books; these figures have lasted for decades with little to no change in their overall characters or physical appearance.

They both stand for justice, for freedom and truth, and for everything good in man's heart. They're both ruggedly handsome men with obvious sexual appeal.

This is the blueprint; from the four-color heroes to the big screen, to the small screen, and now to the real world, these heroes all strive for a commanding physical presence. I'm not going to judge the real-life heroes for their physical appearance; I'm hardly fighting trim these days myself.

What I'm here to talk about today is the concept of the hero.

Webster defines a hero as an illustrious warrior or one that shows great courage.

Courage comes in many sizes and shapes; by definition, courage is doing something in the face of being afraid of it. I don't hate the citizen heroes for their courage; they go out, dressed in these ludicrous outfits, and walk around in dark alleys, based on some idea that they are making a difference. I can't fault them for that; that takes true courage, true bravery. Hell, they're more courageous than I am; so far, I've only appeared on videos and in blogs; I wear a mask, just like them, because even though I'm a villain, I've got a life outside of villainy, a world that wouldn't understand or approve it.

...but that's pretty much how villains have always been portrayed, as cowardly evildoers who skulk in the shadows. That's my paradigm, and I proudly own it. I'm a cowardly, villainous skulker. Boo.

Here's my new issue... and perhaps some of the citizen heroes out there would like to help me out here, help me to see your views on the issue.

Actually, it's not a new issue at all; it's as old as the world.

Big business; government, those with the money, the power, and the pull to make you do what they want, to make you think what they want, to make you who they want.

Do you think that you're free? Look around you. You're reading this blog on a computer that's most likely made by one of the largest corporations on the planet. You're sitting in a house or an apartment or a café produced by major industrial developers, wearing clothing made for pennies in a third world country by child sweatshop labor, and chances are you're in that top richest 8% of the world, which means you have at least one dollar in the bank.

Congratulations; you ARE the enemy.

You are the tool of a Corporation, whether you were even aware of it until this very moment. You eat what they feed you, you wear the clothes they give you, you listen to whatever they put on the radio and on the television and you enjoy it.

You enjoy it.

You enjoy your life of affluence; you enjoy the wealth that you're probably not even aware you possess. You are an unknowing pawn of Big Business and you don't even know it; hell, you'd fight for it.

Show of hands: how many military and prior military do I have in the audience? I have to raise my own clammy paw on this; I'm prior military. Marine Corps, to be exact. Ooh-rah, and all that rot.

I went overseas and saw the desert and drove around in an armored vehicle and called in fire against targets I never saw. I know what a burning tank smells like, I know what a .50 caliber round does to human flesh, and I still wake up screaming every now and again. And the worst part is, I wasn't doing it for freedom, as I originally thought; no, I wasn't doing it for freedom or beauty or the American Way or for Uncle Sam...

...I was doing it so you can drive your goddamn SUV around the highway and blare your music on the radio. And now a word from our sponsors, our Corporate Overlords, the true evil behind the face of Capitalism.

Oooh, you say, he's bashing Capitalism! He's part of the Red Menace! Call your local government office and turn him in!

Well, hey, I'm just as guilty of buying into the American Dream as you are. I'm sitting here in a crisp, freshly laundered shirt and tie, in front of a name-brand computer.

Doesn't mean for a second I have to agree with it. I was just born into it.

The original concept of government in what would later become America was far different than most people know... mostly because, just like everything else, history books are produced by Big Business, too. Originally, the colony of pilgrims that made a spot along the shores of Virginia had a system of government you might recognize. Everyone was to pitch in and help, and everyone got an equal share.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen; America was originally founded on the principles of communism.

The concept works, but like most things, we as human beings fuck it up in the execution.

Now why did I say all of that? I said all of that so I can say this:

Every day of your life you're told what to think, where to go, who to like and who to hate. You're hardwired to the system and you're not even aware of it... but it doesn't have to be that way. You can take charge, take back what rightfully belongs to you.

Throw off the shackles of slavery that bind you to the system; it's only by becoming that which society hates that you can be free.

Be the Villain you were born to be.

GOOD NEWS BAD NEWSLETTER

2009-07-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

This is posted here for all who may not have gotten it elsewhere. And if you didn't, make sure to email me to get signed up (or resigned up) for the mailing list.

Members, this is your leader, The Potentate speaking to you. ROACH needs your help!

First: I am looking a Super Villain (sorry ANTS, this one is for the showboats) who lives in the North East, preferably nearNYC, who is willing to speak out against RLSHs for a French Television Interview. If think you have the braggadocio to complete this task contact me or Aude Favre who is a member of this group.

Secondly: Are there any of you villains who are super web savvy. ROACH needs a better forum where all can constantly discuss. Contact me if your talents could be put to use here. AND DO NOT CONFUSE THE POTENTATES IGNORANCE ON A SUBJECT WITH A WEAKNESS!!!

Thirdly: Who the fuck are these guys...
http://consortiumofevil.com/blog
and what do we do with them? Thumbs up? Or Down?

Again I thank you all for your attention and please feel free to contribute videos and ideas as much as you like.

FOR THE GLORY OF ROACH!

-The Potentate

MORE PROFILES

2009-06-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

First thing first. There is an update for you all on the profiles page as our ranks begin to grow. Keep up the amazing work, I am proud to have our ranks so full of such clever and evil Super Villains.
MEMBER PROFILES

Secondly, As you are such wonderful villains... Who among you would like to see their reach extended into traditional media? Beyond the youtubery. I have received a couple requests for interviews from producers of news interests across the globe. But as we are an organization, they are not solely interested in the leader, they also want to meet the members, those of you working hard every day to stop Real Life Super Heroes.
If you are interested in participating in any future interviews please contact me so I can immediately know where to send these reporters for a face-full of evil!

-The Potentate

DID YOU THINK YOU COULD WEAR WHAT YOU WANT!?

2009-06-12T14:24:00.001-07:00

As is key with any organized group, order, structure, and uniformity are key to creating an environment free of distractions and conflict within. While I've made it abundantly clear that as a SuperVillain you are free and encouraged to create your own outfits and uniforms, many of you have made it clear that you merely want to be a part of ROACH and do my bidding, and I love that about you. This is why I created the departments for ROACH.

Take ANTS. I have 11,000 people around the world overseeing the day to day operations of ROACH, from answering phones, to monitoring other phones, to keeping our network up and working, to driving me to and fro appearances and missions, to preparing food for all the other members. I couldn't very well have these people all coming in to work wearing jeans, or crocs, or cargo shorts, or muscle tees, or Armani suits. I can't have one ANT feeling they are, or look, better than another. This breeds discontent and conflict and it will upset the balance of people who are basically beloved mules.

So, I have sketched out and will soon begin delivering these uniforms. They were designed for aesthetic importance more than comfort, though they are totally functional whether you are typing memos or fending off an invasion at one of our bases.

There are more to come for the other departments as needed.

-THE POTENTATE

THE POTENTATE: ON AIR

2009-06-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

From One ROACH to rule them all

Listen to The Potentate speak his mind on the Heroes of the world while doing his best Caroline Kennedy impression... youknow?

Follow this link and listen to the Podcast at the lower left corner on the main page.

-THE POTENTATE

SHADOWHARE: THE MASKED PANHANDLER... CRIMINAL?

2009-06-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

An update to my previous post on Shadowhare: Partyboy. Apparently in an effort to uphold the laws by bringing more heroes to Cincinnati he apparently broke them. Thanks again to The Dean of Cincinnati for this link.

SHADOWHARE YOU ARE A FRAUD AND A CHARLATAN!!!

-The Potentate.

SHADOWHARE: THE MASKED PANHANDLER

2009-06-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks to this tip from the Dean of Cincinnati I was alerted to this public appearance by Shadowhare. Watch with amazement as he blathers on about flooding Cincinnati with super-heroes as his sidekick Madame Muffintop watches. Click this link for more information

If you look carefully you will see Shadowhare sharing screen time with Justin from 98 Degrees. That's big time buddy. I guess super-heroics don't include saving people from obscurity.

-The Potentate

RADIO RADIO RADIO

2009-06-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Your fearless leader, who has been to this point faceless and voiceless will be partially revealed this weekend as The Potentate will be interviewed on Unpwn Radio. Hear his thoughts on politics, love, the destruction of citizen heroes and the inevitable takeover of the planet earth at 15.00 SRT (standard ROACH time) or for the rest of you not on SRT that is 7pm EST in the USA.

Listen Here: Unpwn Radio

More info as I receive it.

-The Potentate

RECONNAISSANCE: RESULTS

2009-06-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

One must keep tabs on one's enemies, but I do have to give the heroes credit on their crypto. I often sneak around the WSR website to learn what I can, but their clever HTML coding has me and the ROACH computer stumped! This is what their "store" page looks like.

Curse your secretive ways.

-The Potentate

Oh, and lockpicks, grappling hooks, tasers? Do they also sell windowless vans?